I’ve been travelling Blogland lately, and about one in a hundred Next Blog hits lands on something worthwhile… So today we give props to “JASON ROHRBLOGGER”

I fear I may have been the only person ever to comment on his blog. He writes top ten lists, and I think they’re rather funny. You get the sense he’s writing mostly for his own amusement, and somehow that makes them even better.

Here are some choice samples…

REJECTED CALIFORNIA STATE MOTTOS
7. The Show Me (Your Penis) State
5. A wholly owned subsidiary of Disney Co.
3. United we stand. Divided we fall into the ocean.
1. Mexico’s largest employer!

NAMES FOR MISSILE DEFENSE SYSTEM
10. The National Diaphragm
7. Tommyhawk Knocker
4. Broke Shields
1. The Democracy Strikes Back

IF JASON RAN SPECIAL FORCES
10. Cyanide delivered in Hitler-shaped Pez dispensers
9. Advanced training missions to the Playboy mansion
6. Berets replaced with a saucy green scarf for Fall
1. All radio transmissions encrypted in Ebonics

September 30th, 2004

September 29th, 2004

Some of the best things life has to offer…

1. Sunny days with blue skies and puffy white clouds
2. Laying on the grass at night looking up at the stars
3. Someone with a box of kittens at the grocery store
4. Finally discovering the perfect signature fragrance
5. Things kids do when they think you’re not looking

What else? Did I miss anything?

September 28th, 2004

Yes friends, it is indeed stupid quiz time again. And this time we’re going to the answer the burning question…

WHICH CHILDHOOD TOY ARE YOU?


You’re a Speak & Spell! You nerd.
Just because you were disguised as a toy
doesn’t mean you weren’t educational.
…You sneaky bastard.

Yeah, they pegged me. It’s actually more frightening when you consider that it was also my hands-down favorite childhood toy. That thing had me begging for C batteries like a crackhead does for rock.

I’m certain it’s the reason I progressed to the district spelling bee finals in fifth grade. If only it weren’t for that cocky little asian with his communist intimidation tactics – I could have won!

Chariot… C-H-A-R-I-O-T… chariot.

September 26th, 2004

September 25th, 2004

Sometimes, I look at certain situations and wonder… What would Jordan do? And when I received his words of wisdom, answering that very question, I figured I’d share them with you. Enjoy!

“Life is too short to dwell on the less than stellar moments, yet those may be the ones that define us most. Those dreadful, horrific happenings alter and change our lives, etch into our souls, and stretch our puny little hearts and minds (and sometimes our bodies) to the point of no return.”

“And just as it seems to be our darkest hour, we realize that we have chosen to be in the dark during those moments. We dread our faults, our insecurities, and choose to hide away and lick our wounds. We try to find safety where we can neither see, nor be seen. We can neither comfort, nor be comforted.”

“We blind ourselves with the selfish and insignificant. Cluttering our minds and hearts, as we mourn those happy moments that have come and gone – as if they’ll never come again. Why is it that we try to find solace in the dark depths in which we have fallen? Where is our logic when we think we can hide from ourselves? Who can comfort me if I can not find comfort in myself?”

“We must ascend form the pitfalls of our mind to conquer the glory in our hearts and souls; all that is intended for us. Fight, kick, scream, and howl at the moon for what is entitled to you. Clear your path, plot your travel, and fill your sails. The passage may not be quick, nor the direction always known, yet the quest shapes the soul.”

P.S. What about the time when I picked your nose and wiped it on your teeth? That was pretty sick.

Yep… That’s why everybody loves the guy: After a long, inspirational diatribe, the real Jordan comes out in the post-script.

God bless America!

September 24th, 2004

I sold my brother into slavery.

Heaven forgive me. Monday he started work here at the office. It’s a good deal, I suppose… The pay is decent and we’ll work around his school schedule. But if I’ve done him a favor, why do I feel bad?

Maybe it’s because I bleed my existence into this black hole every day. For me it’s a cotton field. At least for my brother it’s a vehicle to propel him on the road to achieving his dream. I can hardly wait to see him become a feature animator.

Just prior to making him an offer, my boss (our CEO) called me in to grill me, but her concern wasn’t as much about fraternization as it was “Don’t be too hard on the kid.” She’s a big sister, too.

I had a blast helping him put together a wardrobe… in one day. Mad skillz. And you know, even though I don’t see him while he’s working, just knowing he’s in the building is kinda nice. Love that kid.

September 22nd, 2004

Pimpify Your Name cuz you need something fresh when you’re out collecting cash from biznitches on the street.

Some of my personal favorites: Master Fly Kiki Shizzle, Dopetastic Kiki Rockefeller, White Chocolate Kiki Smooth, Tricktickler K. Glide, Mack Master Kiki Beautiful, Trick Magnet K. Flash, Ghetto Fabulous Kiki, and best of all – Fine Ass Kiki Flex.

Now that I’ve found the source for all that hard-to-find essential pimp gear, I feel a whole new career coming on.

September 21st, 2004