As a child, I faithfully sent you my annual letters, containing a list of toys that I was wishing for. Yet somehow you invariably brought me something other than what was described. I’m certain this was due to some glitch in your system.

However, I have no doubt that in recent years you have increased the efficiency of your operating techniques by taking advantage of the latest technological developments, and that you have experienced a significant reduction in the amount of errors as a result.

Therefore, I am sending you this final letter. I realize that it’s been over a decade since my last correspondence, but I am merely asking for a retroactive review of my former requests, in the hope that your previous oversights will soon be corrected.

Attached is a list of toys that I never received…

ATARI 2600

It was bad enough when you dissed me on the Commodore 64, but before that you passed me over on an Atari 2600, and it was too much to bear. There I was, the littlest geek girl, and you deprived me of essential formative geekware. Were you afraid I’d take over the world if given the proper equipment? Guess I can’t blame you for that.

SIT & SPIN

I’m sorry, Santa, but a Hippity-Hop is a far cry from a Sit & Spin. I realize that the use of alliteration may have thrown the elves for a loop, but seriously… Hopping and spinning… Big difference. When you’re five years old, spinning around for five minutes is as good as being wasted. Hopping? Not so much.

MILLENIUM FALCON

You were so close on this one… You just missed my chimney by about five houses. However, my neighbor Billy enjoyed my Millenium Falcon a great deal. He even let me look at it every once in a while. I wonder what it would have been like to actually touch it, Santa. Good job.

MS PAC-MAN

Okay, so you refused to get me a game console. I figured the least you could do is get me a mini arcade game, but then all my friends came back from Christmas break with one, and I was left out. Although the Nintendo Game & Watch “Parachute” game wasn’t too far off the mark, we had yet to reach the days when smaller meant cooler.

SHOGUN WARRIORS

What part of “Shogun Warriors” confused your elves so badly that they managed to misinterpret it as “Strawberry Shortcake” instead? Those dyslexic mutants. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the Snail Cart playset, but it really can’t compare with a toy that offers projectiles that serve a dual function as choking hazards. Thanks for screwing me out of being at the leading edge of Japanese fun.

Santa, you suck! …But I’m willing to let you make it up to me.

15 comments November 15th, 2004

FIND YOUR INNER BOMBSHELL
Inner? Please, I wear mine on the outside!
But just for the fun of it, take the quiz.

Your inner bombshell is the beautiful Audrey Hepburn. Like her, you’ve been blessed with a certain something that no one can accurately describe. You are more reserved than other bombshells, and that shows in your graceful nature. You like doing things for others and love volunteering for your favorite charity. Yours is a rare gift in this day and age. You don’t need to show a lot of skin to be sexy, all you need are your eyes. To see Audrey at the top of her game watch the movie “Breakfast at Tiffanys”

This is too good to be true! I think the quiz gods just took pity on me. I didn’t even have to cheat to get this outcome… Audrey has always been my hands-down FAVORITE! Color me tickled pinker than usual.

7 comments November 14th, 2004

Limited edition Häagen-Dazs Baileys Irish Cream ice cream.
Bad for the diet. Good for the soul. So worth the extra sit-ups.
Besides, I have a darn good excuse to live it up today…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Da Bruver - LOVE YOU, KID!

18 comments November 13th, 2004

You’re Watership Down!
by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you’re actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You’d be recognized as such if you weren’t always talking about talking rabbits.

16 comments November 12th, 2004

So a few weeks ago my housekeeper, who has become more good friend than hired hand, drops this bomb on us: Her eighteen year old daughter is pregnant… With twins.

This is the same girl who just last summer was babysitting my stepdaughters and talking about going to college. For heaven’s sake, she still collects baby dolls, and soon she’ll be caring for the real thing?

For as long as I can remember I’ve had an unusual emotional response to what I’m calling “unwise” pregnancies. I get angry when I hear about women getting knocked up, for a myriad of reasons.

I belong to a small minority - Sexually active, fertile women who have never had a pregnancy nor an abortion. Why are we the anomaly? Is it really that hard to effectively use birth control?

No, I don’t think so. And it pisses me off that people aren’t careful enough with the lives of their as-yet-unfertilized children. Am I crazy to take the responsibility of becoming a parent seriously?

Laying aside my rage against teen motherhood, I sat down and crocheted two baby blankets and matching stocking caps for these twins on the way. But all the while I calculated the damage.

12 comments November 11th, 2004

You would never find me playing with Barbies. Vandalizing them, yes… Playing, no. Never liked stuffed animals either. Oh no, I preferred “build-your-own” kits from Radio Shack, my Speak & Spell, and any other electronic device that I could get my hands on. Of course, that never stopped my family from buying me dolls.

In fact, one Christmas my dad got me this doll that was supposed to cycle through a series of laughs when you bounced her on your knee. Sounded awful. I quickly realized that she would produce the same sounds while playing handball with her against the wall. Sick and twisted? Nah, just good entertainment.

Don’t send me flowers.

It certainly doesn’t help that I’m allergic to every living plant and animal, but nevertheless, the idea of receiving flowers rubs my fierce practicality the wrong way. You spent how much on these? We could have purchased a new XBox game and had money left over for some tacos! Flowers make me feel guilty… What a waste of money.

Lacks traditional dreams.

My sorority sisters had all planned their future weddings down to the last detail, already knew how many children they wanted and what their names would be. They knew what style of home they wanted, how they were going to decorate it, and what kind of station wagon or minivan they would drive to soccer practice. All they needed was the proper financial/marital backing.

Somehow coming from a single-parent household saved me from that modus operandi. Growing up, I always knew that I was going to have to fend for myself. As it was, my personal survival was in my own hands from the age of five. When you’ve been taking care of yourself for that long, you never assume some Prince Charming will come along and pick up the reins.

7 comments November 10th, 2004

Don’t even ask what took me so long, as I have no excuse. FINALLY added BlogRolling to my links section. So to all of my blogging buddies: Forgive me for the delay… You are now linked!

6 comments November 9th, 2004

While commenting on the lack of attractive men on television, it dawned on me that it might mean something. Going over the predominant male sitcom roles in my head, I could only recall a bunch of bumbling idiots…

The list goes on and on. What’s happening in Hollywood to encourage putting forth pathetic loosers as a reflection of today’s gender roles? Surely this isn’t what women want… Is it?

But then I remembered something from way back in Genesis. After the fall, one of the curses put on Eve was that she would want to “rule over” dear Adam. I think what we’re seeing is that unhealthy desire being made manifest in pop culture.

The pussification of men needs to stop.

4 comments November 8th, 2004

Why is race still an issue for Americans? It’s been a billion years since Martin Luther King Jr. and Presidents Kennedy and Johnson did all that work to blur the lines and bring us all together as Americans.

I think the problem has to do with our culture, or lack thereof.

What do we have to offer? Capitalism? Democracy? But what about social rites, rituals, and a real sense of community? In those areas we’re sorely lacking. We’re a culture of consumers. We buy and sell.

I wonder what it would be like to come from a more distinct culture - perhaps from Italy, or Brazil, or China. Other nationalities tend to have their own distinct flavor and unique social milieux.

We’re missing out on some good stuff… probably some bad stuff too. But I wish we had more to offer. Maybe if we could build our own strong national culture these racial lines could become less distinct.

8 comments November 5th, 2004

Yet another awesome Moxie creation,
check out “The Sneeze” and Steve’s

1 comment November 3rd, 2004