As a child, I faithfully sent you my annual letters, containing a list of toys that I was wishing for. Yet somehow you invariably brought me something other than what was described. I’m certain this was due to some glitch in your system.
However, I have no doubt that in recent years you have increased the efficiency of your operating techniques by taking advantage of the latest technological developments, and that you have experienced a significant reduction in the amount of errors as a result.
Therefore, I am sending you this final letter. I realize that it’s been over a decade since my last correspondence, but I am merely asking for a retroactive review of my former requests, in the hope that your previous oversights will soon be corrected.
Attached is a list of toys that I never received…
ATARI 2600
It was bad enough when you dissed me on the Commodore 64, but before that you passed me over on an Atari 2600, and it was too much to bear. There I was, the littlest geek girl, and you deprived me of essential formative geekware. Were you afraid I’d take over the world if given the proper equipment? Guess I can’t blame you for that.
SIT & SPIN
I’m sorry, Santa, but a Hippity-Hop is a far cry from a Sit & Spin. I realize that the use of alliteration may have thrown the elves for a loop, but seriously… Hopping and spinning… Big difference. When you’re five years old, spinning around for five minutes is as good as being wasted. Hopping? Not so much.
MILLENIUM FALCON
You were so close on this one… You just missed my chimney by about five houses. However, my neighbor Billy enjoyed my Millenium Falcon a great deal. He even let me look at it every once in a while. I wonder what it would have been like to actually touch it, Santa. Good job.
MS PAC-MAN
Okay, so you refused to get me a game console. I figured the least you could do is get me a mini arcade game, but then all my friends came back from Christmas break with one, and I was left out. Although the Nintendo Game & Watch “Parachute” game wasn’t too far off the mark, we had yet to reach the days when smaller meant cooler.
SHOGUN WARRIORS
What part of “Shogun Warriors” confused your elves so badly that they managed to misinterpret it as “Strawberry Shortcake” instead? Those dyslexic mutants. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the Snail Cart playset, but it really can’t compare with a toy that offers projectiles that serve a dual function as choking hazards. Thanks for screwing me out of being at the leading edge of Japanese fun.
Santa, you suck! …But I’m willing to let you make it up to me.
November 15th, 2004
FIND YOUR INNER BOMBSHELL
Inner? Please, I wear mine on the outside!
But just for the fun of it, take the quiz.
Your inner bombshell is the beautiful Audrey Hepburn. Like her, you’ve been blessed with a certain something that no one can accurately describe. You are more reserved than other bombshells, and that shows in your graceful nature. You like doing things for others and love volunteering for your favorite charity. Yours is a rare gift in this day and age. You don’t need to show a lot of skin to be sexy, all you need are your eyes. To see Audrey at the top of her game watch the movie “Breakfast at Tiffanys”
This is too good to be true! I think the quiz gods just took pity on me. I didn’t even have to cheat to get this outcome… Audrey has always been my hands-down FAVORITE! Color me tickled pinker than usual.
November 14th, 2004
Limited edition Häagen-Dazs Baileys Irish Cream ice cream.
Bad for the diet. Good for the soul. So worth the extra sit-ups.
Besides, I have a darn good excuse to live it up today…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Da Bruver – LOVE YOU, KID!
November 13th, 2004
If you were a book, what would it be?
TAKE THE QUIZ AND FIND OUT!
As for me…
You’re Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you’re actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You’d be recognized as such if you weren’t always talking about talking rabbits.
November 12th, 2004
So a few weeks ago my housekeeper, who has become more good friend than hired hand, drops this bomb on us: Her eighteen year old daughter is pregnant… With twins.
This is the same girl who just last summer was babysitting my stepdaughters and talking about going to college. For heaven’s sake, she still collects baby dolls, and soon she’ll be caring for the real thing?
For as long as I can remember I’ve had an unusual emotional response to what I’m calling “unwise” pregnancies. I get angry when I hear about women getting knocked up, for a myriad of reasons.
I belong to a small minority – Sexually active, fertile women who have never had a pregnancy nor an abortion. Why are we the anomaly? Is it really that hard to effectively use birth control?
No, I don’t think so. And it pisses me off that people aren’t careful enough with the lives of their as-yet-unfertilized children. Am I crazy to take the responsibility of becoming a parent seriously?
Laying aside my rage against teen motherhood, I sat down and crocheted two baby blankets and matching stocking caps for these twins on the way. But all the while I calculated the damage.
November 11th, 2004
