Atomic Bombshell

The Sacristy

January 25th, 2005

Catholic school. Fourth grade. I was the shy studious kid and my mom was a teacher’s aide, so I was often called upon to serve as the “buffer” to separate all the trouble-making boys. Thanks to that crappy logic I managed to get into plenty of trouble. Let me tell you…

Mounted in the farthest altar of our parish sanctuary was an ornately decorated solid gold cabinet. Our priest, Father Slaught (pronounced slot – no pun, I swear) was a fat drunk who blocked our view, making speculation about the box’s contents the hot topic at school.

It was fiercely debated, but the majority contended that Jesus must live in the gold box, because the priest always emerged with that “body and blood” stuff. They way they described its miraculous transformation made whatever was going on in there seem so alluring.

Next thing I know, these class clowns came up with a plan to go over to the sanctuary and find out. BRILLIANT! Except for one thing… If I don’t accompany them, the grown-ups will suspect their mischief and we’ll never find out what’s in that darn box.

Curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to follow along…

Thinking we had an easy mission planned, we visited the sanctuary to pray during lunch. We knelt down in the front row and reviewed the logistics. Being such gentlemen they decided to let the lady out of the pew first, egging her on to head toward the altar.

Slowly I make my way up the steps… past the pulpit… then past the central altar… almost within reach of the gold box… when suddenly Ernie the custodian runs in the sanctuary with a push broom brandished high above his head, wailing in Spanish.

I turned on my heels and ran back toward our classroom, my screams blending with his, only to realize that the jerks who put me up to this were already halfway there. The bell rings. I make it to my seat, out of breath, hoping to God that Ernie didn’t recognize me.

An hour goes by, and I figure we’re safe. Wheew!

Moments later, outside the frosted windows of our classroom I see the silhouettes of our Principal, Vice Principal, my mom, and dear sweet Ernie the custodian. They walk in, then we are each singled out and escorted to the principal’s office.

The rest of the story is a lesson in the antiquity known as corporal punishment. And that was the tale of my most embarassing moment. Worst of all, I’ll never really know what was in that golden box.

Entry Filed under: Time Travel


  • 1. SamKinison  |  January 26th, 2005 at 12:39 am

    Very fun.

  • 2. Master Foley  |  January 26th, 2005 at 5:30 am

    Appreciate you sharing that with us …Too funny

  • 3. Gweny  |  January 26th, 2005 at 8:55 am

    Oh no, now I want to know what’s in the box!!

  • 4. KnOizKi  |  January 26th, 2005 at 9:07 am

    awww ive missed visiting here. GREAT GREAT BLOG really..

  • 5. Alli  |  January 26th, 2005 at 11:31 am

    There were kittens in there… I know it. Kittens.

  • 6. Chilled V  |  January 26th, 2005 at 12:11 pm

    Kittens?? Yeah right! I’m guessing a flask of bourbon.

    P.S. Keep up the blogging, its great!

  • 7. Easy  |  January 26th, 2005 at 2:38 pm

    You mean you don’t know what’s in the box? Wow. All that education for nothing…

  • 8. Pie  |  January 26th, 2005 at 5:42 pm

    It can’t be Jesus, because he lives in my garage.

  • 9. Natalie  |  January 26th, 2005 at 7:41 pm

    Great little story!

  • 10. Lewis Moten  |  January 26th, 2005 at 8:22 pm

    Hmm… maybe it is the Book of Thoth. That would be funny mixing Egyption mythology with christianity. Thoth is the god of wisdom, of magic, and of writing.

    The Book is at Koptos in the middle of the river.
    In the middle of the river is an iron box,
    In the iron box is a bronze box,
    In the bronze box is a ket-wood box,
    In the ket-wood box is an ivory-and-ebony box,
    In the ivory-and-ebony box is a silver box,
    In the silver box is a gold box,
    And in the gold box is the Book of Thoth,
    Round about the great iron box are snakes and scorpions and all manner of crawling things, and above all there is a snake which no man can kill. These are set to guard the Book of Thoth.

  • 11. Lewis Moten  |  January 26th, 2005 at 8:34 pm

    Ok, I did some searching on the net and found something. It appears that the gold box is a Tabernacle and Jesus lives there. One of the things I found was a little girl who was put in charge of watching over the box that had a baby Jesus inside of it. Others were boxes that were adorned with jewels and pictures and represented Gods house. Again, I think the theory is that Jesus is living in God’s house. It sounds like you and the gang were rite about what was inside the gold box.

  • 12. Jacqui  |  January 27th, 2005 at 5:33 am

    That was beyond hilarious.

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