Atomic Bombshell

Grey Clouds

January 28th, 2005

Defense Mechanisms: They’re the behaviors we developed over the years, in our sad little attempts to protect ourselves from pain. We swallowed a big lie though, because they don’t protect us from much… Or at least not from anything worth avoiding.

I’ve realized that these defense mechanisms are my biggest enemies. They make me a prisoner and insulate me from some of the best things in life. The real path to freedom and emotional safety is in being divested of these walls I’ve built.

Some people have memory problems because they’re too busy. Others because they’re getting older. I’ve always had a problem with my memory, but for an entirely different reason…

It’s not normal for someone my age to have trouble remembering what happened yesterday but that’s what I deal with most of the time. The best way I’ve been able to describe it is as a “dark cloud” that covers my memories for a certain period of time.

Picture your life events on a timeline. I have up to a 15-year cloud that covers my memories. I lose most of the details and can only see bits and pieces. Then amazingly, many years later, the cloud vanishes and I can see clearly again, for a little while, as if for the very first time.

Now if I had a happy life, filled with heartwarming events, it would be really sad to lose those memories for so long. But that wasn’t the case for me, and that’s why this defense mechanism developed. I don’t know how to get rid of it… I don’t know if it will ever go away. I wish it would. It can be crippling at times.

On the flip side, when the cloud clears revealing painful things that happened, I get to ride an emotional rollercoaster. This past week I recalled details about the first time I remember being raped, reliving parts I had forgotten. Although painful, I appreciate the opportunity to reclassify events properly through an adult understanding.

But oh, the things I’m remembering. If I weren’t too busy, I could cry… and since hurts can only really be expressed in two ways – Sadness or Anger – I pity the fools next to me on the freeway.

Entry Filed under: The Black Hole


  • 1. Lisa  |  January 29th, 2005 at 7:01 pm

    I’m not even really sure what to say here except that I hope you get through this okay and that there are supportive people out there to help you get through such a difficult time.

  • 2. Lewis Moten  |  January 29th, 2005 at 7:02 pm

    My wife had/has these problems with her MPD. I never know how to help her out or if she wants help to begin with.

  • 3. Silentz  |  January 29th, 2005 at 7:59 pm

    Sorry that you have to be going through all of this now Kiki. Remember that it is never good to try to get through those hard times by yourself. If you ever need some one to talk to or just vent to, you know how to find of me.

  • 4. Justa Dad  |  January 29th, 2005 at 8:56 pm

    I know it may not seem like much just to say you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Just know this; through your words, and your positive spirit you have touched the lives of so many. I for one, am very thankful for the words of encouragement you have given me through troubled times. I truly believe that nothing can keep your spirit down for too long.

    You are in my prayers.

  • 5. Easy  |  January 30th, 2005 at 7:20 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about this. I’ll keep a good thought for you.

  • 6. Grins  |  January 30th, 2005 at 9:22 am

    I don’t know what to say other than this sucks. If you haven’t done it already, please talk to someone about it. A friend, a therapist, anyone that will let you just throw up all your feelings and rant a bit. Of course we’ll be here for that too.

  • 7. Roman  |  January 31st, 2005 at 8:59 am

    Must be sun spots or something clearing out the haze. I’ve been getting recall of all the crap that haunts me, too.

    It’s funny, it wasn’t until a surprisingly frank conversation with my brother that I realized it’s not normal to not have any clear memories that go back before the age of 10.

    I thought nobody remembered their childhood. But lately I’ve been remembering.

  • 8. Culture Kitchen  |  January 31st, 2005 at 1:49 pm

    Difficult life experiences make us stronger people. Blogging can be very therapeutic. Hope you feel better soon.

  • 9. Atomic Bombshell » &hellip  |  December 11th, 2005 at 10:28 pm

    […] There’s a universe of difference between being childish and childlike. The former I have in spades, but the latter could use some work. Over the years we suffocate our best childlike qualities, believing instead that our defense mechanisms will protect us, when all it really does is make us weak. It’s a great big lie that we all seem to swallow whole. […]

About Me



Recent Items

Time Travel