Atomic Bombshell


Conscience

January 31st, 2005

They’re all around us… Rapists, molesters, abusers, murderers. Often the last people you’d suspect, they appear innocent and harmless. Do you ever take a good look at the people around you and wonder? I do.

I wonder about Donnie and the others who violated me. They destroy a slice of who you are and then eventually disappear… Where do they run and how do they hide from the guilt? Do they even feel it?

Where is he today? Does he have a wife? Children? Daughters perhaps? Have they become his victims too – Or does he love them and live in constant fear that they could be hurt by someone just like him?

Or does he simply live through lies?

Fresh memories bring fresh pain. The pain passes and I develop a slew of questions… How would my life be different without these scarring experiences? Who would I have become? Would my loved ones be freed from the emotional intimacy problems that plague me?

As embarassing as this is, I’ve fantasized about finding Donnie and holding him captive until he owns the truth about what he did. He should know that I blamed myself, “If only I hadn’t ditched school, and if only I didn’t drink” and spent years feeling dirty and used.

I want him to feel remorse, to know that he robbed me of so many good things. If only there were some way to force him to accept what he has done. Healing will come for me regardless – but what about him? It must be miserable walking around with those dark secrets.

Entry Filed under: The Black Hole

6 Comments

  • 1. Lisa  |  January 31st, 2005 at 5:05 pm

    Having had the horrifying experience of running in to the asshole that abused me (funny how people talk about it like it’s such an unsual thing but judging by the comments and the number of my own friends that this has happened to…it ISN’T!), they don’t regret it, in fact I’m sure they don’t even think about it. And if they do, they probably are thinking that it was mutual anyway.

  • 2. Fallen Plebeian  |  January 31st, 2005 at 5:12 pm

    “You reap what you sow…” I always have been a firm believer of this particular concept. Those people will get what’s coming to them, one way or the other. As for you my friend, “What won’t kill you will make you stronger,” and I know you are now, and wiser at that. I wish you all the best, and keep on bloggin’.

  • 3. Keith of R.Electrons  |  January 31st, 2005 at 7:05 pm

    It seems that many people somehow don’t seem to have a conscience. I am bothered all the time about things I’ve done wrong in the past – and they aren’t the same line or anywhere near the wrongs you’ve endured. At times I can almost be paralyized worrying about making the wrong choices. I hope you can move forward with leaving the wrongs that other people have done to you. I know it isn’t easy – but you have friends pulling for you to leave the pain behind and have a better life going forward!

  • 4. Stepmonster  |  February 1st, 2005 at 5:23 am

    My heart bleeds for you… Because I know what you’ve been through having been there myself before. I still see my attacker from time to time driving his Mercedes around town. I am certain that people like this get their due in the end. That keeps me going. I am sending you cyber hugs and positive vibes. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes the rest of us feel less alone in our own pain!

  • 5. Mimi  |  February 2nd, 2005 at 9:54 am

    My first time was with the Donnie-type. Went through the self-hate, self-blame, as you did. But I always remember that I said no and he was/is the one blame for that feeling of disgust I had for myself.

    And like you, I still wonder what happened to that jerk.

    Healing will come in due time.

  • 6. Furman  |  February 2nd, 2005 at 2:45 pm

    I just don’t know what to say. Being a guy, it’s hard to comprehend what you’re going through, and to understand how one human could knowingly do so much harm to another human.

    Thanks for sharing this with total strangers — and remember that you should never blame yourself for the actions of someone like Donnie. He’s a prick and he’ll get what’s coming to him if he hasn’t already.



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