February 8th, 2005

Today I must pay tribute to the great liberator of women:
Dude Food – Meals men can prepare unassisted!

Although I realize that some men can cook (so don’t get all huffy, you Alton wannabes) there’s a phenomenon occurring in the brains of some men, whereby upon getting married their cooking skills vaporize.

But thanks to these foods, women everywhere are free to go to the gym a few nights a week, take a class, visit friends, get their nails done, or even shop for groceries. Behold our heroes, the Top Ten Dude Foods, as verified by my husband and brother…

1. SANDWICHES – The gold standard. When done right, you can even make sure that all the major food groups are represented in one handy little meal. Best of all, it doesn’t involve any cooking so you don’t need to worry about the house burning down while you’re out.

2. FROZEN PIZZA – Let’s be honest, most of you order delivery pizzas, but when you’re looking in the freezer for something to make, this one often seems to have the right balance of tasty and easy to do the trick.

3. CHIMICHANGAS – Or any other self-contained food like burritos or hot pockets. When you’re starving and you need something you can nuke up fast, these take the cake. Bonus: If you’re miffed about fending for yourself, you’ll get payback with a fart-and-fluff later on.

4. HOT DOGS – You see them in the deli tray as you’re reaching for the bologna and you think “I can do this!” but you’re going to burn them. Especially if you use the toaster oven. I know you’re trying to mimic that barbeque grill flavor, but don’t burn down the kitchen.

5. HAMBURGER HELPER – Notice how high on the list I put this one. That’s out of respect for those of you who think you can cook. You can brown beef, measure milk, and stir! They don’t call it helper for nothing, but kudos to you anyway… at least it’s tasty.

6. TOP RAMEN – College flashbacks anyone? In a pinch you’ll catch guys resorting to ramen when they’re out of sandwich bread and the freezer is empty. Be prepared for a cranky husband when you return, as this isn’t much of a meal on its own.

7. FISH STICKS – Just pray that he sets the oven timer, otherwise the smell of burnt fish will hover in your kitchen for days. Nevertheless, it’s not a bad little meal, especially with some decent dipping sauce.

8. RICE-A-RONI – One pot on the stove and a little bit of measuring. Doesn’t take long to make. Almost no nutritive value… But it comes in like twenty flavors, so one of them is bound to please.

9. SLOPPY JOES – For the manliest of men, thanks to those ads from the seventies. Even guys that refuse to cook will pick up a pan and fix some sloppy joes now and then. It’s like the fast version of chili.

10. LEFTOVERS – Fix double portions and then pack some up for later. Put it in microwave-safe containers and stick directions on in masking tape. Who knows, the house may be standing when you return.

Entry Filed under: One Of The Guys