February 10th, 2005

I’ve made refernces to my freaky-deeky family before but allow me to elaborate from an entirely less pathetic standpoint. In fact, this might be one of the few redemptive aspects of being related to these weirdos.

Mere months before my high school graduation I found out college was optional. I think I may very well be the only person on earth who didn’t realize it wasn’t mandatory until I was already enrolled for my first accelerated summer session at college.

Do you admire my family’s skill in breeding such an obedient zombie? Then by all means read on and I’ll share their secrets…

How to ensure your kids go to college in 7 easy steps!

1. Teach the child to read books unassisted by the time he/she is three years old. Start phonics lessons the moment your baby makes gurgling sounds and then quickly work your way up to to flashcards. You’ll have a reader in no time.

2. Avoid social situations with other children, as this leads to mindless play. Instead, immerse the youngster in settings with adults who are uncomfortable around children, that way nobody will be tempted to treat him/her like a child.

3. Take your son/daughter to church every Sunday, making sure that the principles of obeying one’s elders (so that you’ll have a long and blessed life) are imprinted in his/her psyche forever, then make it abundantly clear that you can only love a smart child.

4. Make visits to the homes of relatives with high-school and college aged children. For “fun” have your little one thumb through their textbooks and talk about how wonderful and important it is to learn things like history, chemistry, and economics.

5. Speak frequently to your child about how important it is to be smart, about the consequences of not being educated, and of how proud you will be to see him/her distinguished in a respectable career… All of which require a college degree.

6. Instruct family and friends to dispense with traditional greetings and conversation, and do the following instead: Always ask your child what he/she wants to be when they grow up, and then make college recommendations to coincide with the field of work indicated.

7. Most importantly, never let on that college is not mandatory, and don’t tell them the truth about Santa Claus either… It’s okay if he/she gets ridiculed at school for defending fiction – It builds character!

Entry Filed under: Time Travel