March 15th, 2005
There’s nothing as heartwarming as coming home to a family argument. I would rather gouge my eyes out with rusty forks like that guy on the Scorpions Blackout album cover. But oh well, it was time for the geyser (formerly known as my brother) to blow off some steam…
This poor kid lives with me, works with me, and generally can’t get rid of me because I’m helping him get through college. Familiarity breeds contempt, so I expect these occasional flare-ups. What I never expect is how totally inept he is at managing conflict.
So I offered him this wonderful piece of advice that was passed on to me some time ago, and has worked wonderfully ever since: Rather than attacking a person about their behavior, which only shuts them off from listening, focus instead on your own response to their actions.
When you do X, it makes me feel Y.
Keep the X concise and elaborate on the Y. It’s all about sidestepping the power struggle, avoiding defense mechanisms, communicating how you feel, and hopefully being understood. Try it… it works!
Entry Filed under: The Black Hole
8 Comments
1.
LlamaKing&hellip | March 15th, 2005 at 10:03 pm
Hmm… I thought it was best to just attack everyone, and while in the “argument” stage, just tell them everything they do wrong. Ever. Perhaps thats why people call me an asshole.
2.
Lewis Moten&hellip | March 16th, 2005 at 12:37 am
I find it is easier to keep it all bottled up inside until you explode. The consistent depression and low self esteem are just awesome!
3.
Master Foley&hellip | March 16th, 2005 at 9:32 am
I’ll remember this.
4.
Crankydragon&hellip | March 16th, 2005 at 11:59 am
I’ve used that for years, and it has made a huge difference in how my husband and I communicate.
Came in through BE, happy Wednesday!
5.
The Mike&hellip | March 16th, 2005 at 1:30 pm
I’m in total agreement with Lewis’ comment… Besides, what kind of blogs would people have if not for bottling things up?
6.
JH&hellip | March 17th, 2005 at 11:05 pm
That approach assumes that the attacker gives a $#!+ about how his/her/its attacks make the attack-ee feel.
7.
Aurora&hellip | March 18th, 2005 at 8:02 am
Yes, and no. If you continue to make a person aware of hurtful behavior and yet they persist, at least you can feel good about living a life apart from them, because you’ll know you did your best to give them every chance by communicating effectively.
8.
Easy&hellip | March 23rd, 2005 at 2:04 pm
I learned this technique back in high school as part of my peer-counselor training. Sadly, I mostly used it to get my friends out of class so we could ditch school to get high…at least I think I did. That whole time is a little bit fuzzy.