Atomic Bombshell

Archive for May, 2005

The Munchies


Although I could only come up with half of the “Ten” I made up for it by tracking down graphics to back up my selections. Feel free to blame me if they spark a craving and you give in to temptation later on… Enjoy!

7 comments May 31st, 2005

Jury Duty

First my brother received a summons in the mail… “Congratulations on finally getting out of the Navy, now here’s another way we need you to serve” – But then I started seeing a few bloggers get called up, including my boy over at Dot.Bench… So I suppose it’s time for me to share my secrets of evading jury service.

It’s important to note that I do not advocate ignoring the summons. That’s my father’s technique, but it always rubbed me the wrong way. My method is a heck of a lot more fun! You see, I recommend showing up for jury duty when you’re called. If you follow my plan, it will be a one-day stint where you relax and enjoy a day away from the office…

Any good plan involves a little homework. These things need to be done in advance of the date you’re expected to swim in the jury pool:

Step One: Head to the library and check out a few of the freakiest books you can find. Look for topics like taxidermy, circumcision, embalming, deadly diseases, and anything by the Marquis de Sade.

Step Two: Visit a local thrift store and see if you can strike up a deal to buy old gawdy jewelry by the pound. You’re going to need a lot of it, trust me. If you come across a tiara – Buy it!

Step Three: Swing by the comic book store and pick up a few issues of anything nthat makes you laugh like a crazed hyena.

On the big day, pack a bag with those books, comics, and snacks. Then get dressed… But not like you would on any other day. No, today you need to think like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Excess is the new minimalism. Go with it. Pile it all on, and top it off with seriously big, Texas-sized hair underneath that tiara.

Show up for jury duty. Plop yourself down somewhere, open one of the crazy books, tuck a comic book inside, and then start laughing like a maniac. Laughter is good medicine, and when the day is done not only will you feel like a million bucks, but nobody will have called you up to serve on a case… Call it a spa day!

Note: This technique works almost as well for women as it does for men, unless you’re in Santa Barbara county during jury selections for a Michael Jackson case. Under those circumstances, you’d be tagged as one of Jacko’s “peers” and snapped up immediately.

8 comments May 30th, 2005

Star Whores

So, what did you think of Episode III?

My Brother’s Star Wars Porn Concepts

Obi-Wan Kanblowme
Queen Imatwodolla
Emperor Pimpatine
Grand Muff Tarkin
Three Sleepyhoes
Darth Invadesher
Princess Layme
Landau Fellatio
Jabba the Slut
Count Dickyou
Hung Solong
Qui-Gon Jizz
Double Fisto
Booba Fett

7 comments May 29th, 2005

Mrs. Butterworth

All the times you saw her sitting up on a shelf at the grocery store or hiding out in your pantry – You thought she was a sweet, innocent little old lady… Didn’t you? Well, you were wrong.

First, take a look at how she’s trying to hide the fact that she’s married. That tiny “Mrs” is barely visible on her label. And did you notice how she’s covering the wedding ring on her left hand? Somehow I doubt Mr. Butterworth has any idea that she’s been seducing young girls.

Today while surfing through TV Acres I was shocked to uncover definitive evidence of Mrs. Butterworth’s sordid past. Hide the children and take a look at the soft-core dialogue from her 1979 commercial…

Young Girl Mrs Butterworth
Mrs Butterworth Yes?
Young Girl How come this tastes so good?
Mrs Butterworth Well, my syrup is very thick and rich
Young Girl Thick and rich?
Mrs Butterworth Just watch. See how the leading syrup just runs over this stack while Mrs Butterworth takes her own sweet time. Now my syrup has got to be thick to pour this slow. Truth is Mrs Butterworth is twice as thick as the other syrup. Thick and Rich and…
Young Girl Mmmm…Mrs Butterworth, I Loooovvve you
Mrs Butterworth Oh!

7 comments May 28th, 2005

Best Medicine

Corny jokes, puns, one liners… You’ve got a cache of them lodged in the back of your mind, and it’s time to break them out. Maybe you told that joke to someone and they groaned and told you how lame it was, but now’s your chance to get a laugh: I love stupid jokes!

You know, the kind you can tell a five year old? Yeah, that’s my brand. The simpler the better. You’d be surprised how often these corny jokes come in handy. I’ve had more than a handful of jerks melt under the pressure of a mere knock-knock joke. Try it some time.

Feel free to break open a stick of Bazooka gum if you have to, and then round up all your corniest jokes and deposit ’em right here for our enjoyment. Here are a few to get the ball rolling…

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An im-pasta.

Where do cats go on vacation?
The Canary Islands.

What’s the definition of a farmer?
A man who’s out standing in his field.

What don’t you say to someone on fire?
Wow, you’re hot!

6 comments May 27th, 2005

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