Atomic Bombshell


Jury Duty

May 30th, 2005

First my brother received a summons in the mail… “Congratulations on finally getting out of the Navy, now here’s another way we need you to serve” – But then I started seeing a few bloggers get called up, including my boy over at Dot.Bench… So I suppose it’s time for me to share my secrets of evading jury service.

It’s important to note that I do not advocate ignoring the summons. That’s my father’s technique, but it always rubbed me the wrong way. My method is a heck of a lot more fun! You see, I recommend showing up for jury duty when you’re called. If you follow my plan, it will be a one-day stint where you relax and enjoy a day away from the office…

Any good plan involves a little homework. These things need to be done in advance of the date you’re expected to swim in the jury pool:

Step One: Head to the library and check out a few of the freakiest books you can find. Look for topics like taxidermy, circumcision, embalming, deadly diseases, and anything by the Marquis de Sade.

Step Two: Visit a local thrift store and see if you can strike up a deal to buy old gawdy jewelry by the pound. You’re going to need a lot of it, trust me. If you come across a tiara – Buy it!

Step Three: Swing by the comic book store and pick up a few issues of anything nthat makes you laugh like a crazed hyena.

On the big day, pack a bag with those books, comics, and snacks. Then get dressed… But not like you would on any other day. No, today you need to think like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Excess is the new minimalism. Go with it. Pile it all on, and top it off with seriously big, Texas-sized hair underneath that tiara.

Show up for jury duty. Plop yourself down somewhere, open one of the crazy books, tuck a comic book inside, and then start laughing like a maniac. Laughter is good medicine, and when the day is done not only will you feel like a million bucks, but nobody will have called you up to serve on a case… Call it a spa day!

Note: This technique works almost as well for women as it does for men, unless you’re in Santa Barbara county during jury selections for a Michael Jackson case. Under those circumstances, you’d be tagged as one of Jacko’s “peers” and snapped up immediately.

Entry Filed under: Completely Girlie

8 Comments

  • 1. Aurora  |  May 30th, 2005 at 9:38 pm

    In case you were wondering: I wore a BRIGHT pepto bismol pink 3/4-length coat, then piled on everything sparkly in my jewelry box. Add to that a totally inappropriate for daytime prom-style updo, and a tiny tiara from Hot Topic. It was a riot, and no lawyers called on me that day. đŸ™‚ This may only work in LA.

  • 2. Citizen of the Month  |  May 31st, 2005 at 3:05 am

    That’s way too much work to get out of jury duty. Wouldn’t it just be easier to be overhead talking to the other jurors saying, “I hope he’s black/Mexican/Jewish/Chinese. They’re always guilty.”

  • 3. Master Foley  |  May 31st, 2005 at 6:11 am

    Note to Self

  • 4. Easy  |  May 31st, 2005 at 10:07 am

    For me, Jury Duty is like a mini vacation: I still get my full salary at work without having to use any vacation or sick time. I can go in an hour later. I can come home an hour earlier. I can catch up on my reading.

  • 5. Misty  |  May 31st, 2005 at 12:04 pm

    I just peed my pants!!!

    All I had to say was that I didn’t believe in the Death Penalty (really, I do) and they told me to have a good day.

  • 6. Mr. LemurBoy  |  May 31st, 2005 at 1:25 pm

    I have a friend who said he got off jury duty because on the form, where it asks “Race” he checked “Other” and wrote in “Human”. When they asked him about it, he said he thought we were all part of the human race, and that skin colour didn’t change that. They told him to go home. O.o

  • 7. Silentz  |  May 31st, 2005 at 5:07 pm

    Just ignore the summons. They can’t prove that you ever got the notice in the mail.

  • 8. Krozy  |  June 5th, 2005 at 8:51 am

    1. For the date(s) you are to serve, lookup the cases that are to be held on the internet.

    2. For each name, use google to look up persons, specifically news articles.

    3. You now have prior knowledge, and probably a biased opinion regarding the plantiff and/or defendent.



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