Archive for May, 2005
Well, a good friend of mine was reading my post yesterday, and indicated that there was a falacy in it. He said that the crack on my literary skills was unfounded. Whether that’s true or not, I’m not gonna debate at this point, but it got me thinking. I make cracks like that about myself very often. I tend to call myself a moron, or an idiot, and that’s on the good days. I actually enjoy telling people that I’m dumber than a sack of rocks. And sometimes, I wonder why.
Now, it’s not like I don’t know when this started. I know because I started conciously doing it. I was quite unpopular through most of grade school and high school. Yeah, wah wah, I’m not the only one, I know. But it still sucked to have almost everyone else call me a loser pretty much every day.
Of course, I got advice on how to deal with them. My dad told me to beat them up. Yeah, I was a scrawny weakling who had no concept of how to fight. Growing up with 3 sisters meant I didn’t employ fisticuffs in the house very often. If I’d tried to hurt any of the guys who teased me, I would have ended up eating dirt. My mom told me to ignore them. New flash, this does not work. Bullies can tell when you’re specifically ignoring them. They know they’re having an effect just because you’re so obviously ignoring them and will keep bullying you harder until you can’t ignore them any more.
So I came up with a defense of my own, which I called Self-Degredation. If they called me an idiot, I happily agreed with them. If they asked why I was doing something, I’d reply with “Because I’m a moron!” with a big grin on my face and go on my way. I confused the heck outta them, and they stopped bugging me because you really can’t get any joy out of teasing someone who’s taking joy in the abuse. Basically, I beat them to the punch.
Nowadays, I’m a lot happier. I have my friends, I have a good job, I actually like my family, and people tend not to tease me anymore. My life is nothing spectacular, but it’s still pretty darn good.
And yet, I still compare myself with intoxicated long-tailed primates, and tell people that I have all the cognitive abilities of a sack of rocks. This self-degredation has become my security blanket. Kinda funny how something so negative can be taken as a positive, isn’t it?
May 19th, 2005
Well, I suppose I should thank Aurora for a lovely introduction, and for not stealing my thunder, though I’m not sure if I’m “fabulous”, but hey, I’ll take the compliment.
Now, some of you are probably wondering “What in the world is Aurora thinking, letting this unknown goober write for her!?”. Personally, I’m not sure. I think she’s taken a leave of her senses.
The few of you who read this and who know me are probably instead thinking “Why in the world would he agree to stick his neck out and write for her, when he has all the literary skills of a drugged up monkey?”. And that, ah, that I can answer.
So sit yourselves down (and if you’re standing up while using your computer, well, that’s weird, but to each their own) and I’ll tell you a tale. A tale of a fateful trip. That started at a chilly airport. Aboard this tiny airship.
Well, the story begins… oh… a bit over 2… or was it 3 years ago? I was playing on MajorMUD, where Aurora was a GameOP, and doing quite well for myself. I was quite a high level in the game, and had taken to helping new players get on their feet and learn about the world. One new player logged on, who called herself Devon. I took a shine to her, and took her all around the place. I bought her new armor, helped her level up, and everything looked shiny and happy. Eventually, we started talking outside of the game, and then via phone (my phone bills were a horror story in and of themselves). And I’ll admit, I fell for her. Hard. Not the smartest of things, I admit, but hey, it happened.
Then came the fateful day that I decided to finally meet my lady love. She lived in California, and I was all the way in Ontario, so I knew it wouldn’t be a cheap trip, but nevertheless, I dipped very heavily into my savings account, and bought a plane ticket. Checked with Devon on a good date, let her know when my flight was coming in, and all the other stuff people need to know to pick you up at an airport. Planned to stay for a glorious fun-filled week with her. Life was good. Except that a couple days before my plane was to leave, Devon was barely logging on. This didn’t seem like a good thing, but I’d be danged if I didn’t get to use my non-refundable plane ticket to California.
And this is when I found out just what a warm, caring and all-around amazing person Aurora was. I confided in her some nervousness regarding my upcoming trip, and she told me that if anything went wrong, I was to call her. So I got on the plane, bags packed, and sat with my knees knocking the entire flight. I got to the airport, called Devon, and… her ex-boyfriend picked up and hung up on me. I called again, and again was hung up on. I was stranded in California. So I called Aurora.
Aurora immediately took pity on me. She drove out to the airport, picked me up, took me to her place, and let me sleep on her couch for the whole week. When she wasn’t at work, she was taking me out to see Venice Beach, Los Angeles, and all the things a Canuckian needs to brag about when they get back home. If not for her, I probably would have ended up in a cheap hostel wallowing in self-pity for that entire week. She really was my saviour that week.
At the end of the week, I packed up, thanked her profusely, and got on the plane home. After I arrived home, I realized that the 3 koosh balls I used for juggling had been left behind, most likely still sitting on her coffee table.
And that, ladies and gentlement, is why I agreed to help her out.
Because she still has my balls.
May 18th, 2005
“I’m leaving on a jet plane… Don’t know when I’ll be back again.”
Actually I’ll be back Saturday night, but I really liked that John Denver song as a kid. Here’s the deal: I’m heading up to San Francisco for a business conference and I won’t have internet access while I’m away. Though I may die from withdrawals, you will not have to go without.
Meet our guest host: Mr. LemurBoy - some of you know him as Ziggy, and others as PJ, but everybody who knows him thinks he’s fabulous. He’ll be filling in for me over the next three days, and I’m excited to see what he will write about while I’m gone.
Originally I was going to delve into some details about him, but then I figured that would be stealing his thunder. So instead, I’ll let him share with you as he sees fit. Rest assured it should be fun… Take care, and I’ll catch ya on the flipside!
May 17th, 2005
Beef, it’s what’s for dinner… Especially on Sunday afternoons at our house. We’ve decided that the perfect complement to the last leisurely day of the weekend is a good ole beef roast. It’s better than going out to eat because you don’t even have to get dressed.
Here’s how it’s done: Trim the roast. Rub with olive oil and then coat it with seasoned salt, herbs, and some red pepper flakes. Pop it in the oven at 400 degrees for 30 minutes, then reduce the heat to 350 and cook until the internal temperature reaches about 130 degrees.
The best part: Use the pan drippings to make a kick-ass gravy. Deglaze the roasting pan with 1/3 cup white wine and 2 tablesepons butter. Add a minced clove of garlic, and once the liquid has reduced a bit, some finely chopped parsley and white pepper.
Slice the roast thin using a serrated knife (for the sake of your sanity) and spread the pieces across plate so that you can drizzle the sauce over it evenly, for the purpose of enjoying a little of its awesome flavor with each bite… Now that’s a nice lazy Sunday afternoon!
May 15th, 2005
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At last, the weather in Southern California is starting to feel familiar!
Though we didn’t quite reach that new record for annual rainfall, it was the wettest in my lifetime as a local. Today we experienced summer weather and I fear it’s only a small glimpse of the price we’ll pay for all that rain: I predict a prolonged, scorching-hot summer.
I’m a wuss when it comes to weather. Anything outside the 70-degree range gets on my nerves after a while, but I’m not complaining just yet. Sure was nice to pare down to open-toed shoes and a sundress today, to assault the world with cleavage after a long season in hiding.
May 14th, 2005
A while back Stamps.com started offering custom PhotoStamps and they were fabulous… but then they disappeared. Good news: They’re back and better than ever! Head over and design your own (imagine the possibilities) and when you place an order by May 16th each sheet will be specially marked as a “First Day of Release†limited edition.
Mine should be circulating in the mail very soon
to delight otherwise disgruntled postal workers
…Call it a small, geeky public service…
May 13th, 2005
Normally I like ‘em pumped up & dumb as rocks, but Vin Diesel is the exception. The special brand he’s sporting belongs on the short bus, not in movies. Don’t know why chicks dig him… When did being a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome turn sexy?
Guess I’m not the only one perplexed by his fame. A smartie named Ian created a site that generates random “facts” about good ole Vinnie, the Random Vin Diesel Fact Generator. Visit, or read on for my picks…
Vin Diesel does not actually run on diesel. He actually runs on a high octane fuel which is made by mixing environmentally friendly LPG with the souls of the damned.
The classic pirate skull and crossbones symbol was modeled directly off of one of Vin Diesel’s x-rays.
Vin Diesel invented the Accordion, but it was originally meant to be, solely, a murder weapon. It wasnt until 1913 that it began being used as an instrument. Vin has accepted this and has no bitter feelings towards the French.
What Joan of Arc didnt know was that she was actually hearing Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel once fed a starving Kenyan child by lactating through his belly button.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Vin Diesel has a fever… and the only prescription is more cowbell.
Most people don’t know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi’s and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, “Jesus, I totally saved you.” Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, “Now it’s my turn to save you.” Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That’s how the bible ends. It’s a cliff-hanger. I can’t wait for the sequel, “The Bible 2: Water Into Blood”
May 12th, 2005
“Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in.”
Although I successfully resisted the allure of World of Warcraft and somehow managed not to hook the Xbox “Live” …It looks like Guild Wars might do me in. Maybe if the characters and environments didn’t look so darn badass I’d have a fighting chance, but alas…
So, are any of you playing this game? I beg you to tell me it sucks great big donkey balls. Lie if you have to. Give me hope for a normal life! Well… that or like, leave me some hot tips & tricks for newbie game play, because who are we kidding here… I’ll give it a try.
May 11th, 2005
Chances are, if you read this blog on a regular basis you’re already a fan of Bash.org. In fact, I can’t believe this is my first time giving props to one of my hands-down favorite destinations on the web… It’s my kind of foul, retarded humor.
For both of the non-geeks surfing in for the first time, allow me to enlighten you: Bash.org is an Internet Relay Chat quote database, where geeks like me submit text captures of hilarious things that other freaks have said in chatrooms online.
Take a look at a few captures that make me laugh…
[OwnerDemon] Subliminal (kill) messaging (your) is (parents) awesome!
[Beeth] Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
[honx] well, you can stil get one from a strange country 
[RobbiePaul] I’m going to work on an econ paper which states that walmart has hurt america, but not the way most people think
[RobbiePaul] i say by keeping prices low, people that shouldn’t survive are able to
[Sprint_DSL] Are you still living in the wang of the US?
[POPOON] Your mother is.
[Sprint_DSL] Oh.
[Sprint_DSL] That would have been good like, 10 years ago.
[POPOON] Your mother was.
FuzzyCrare: i’m in love with a video game character
Macross86: that’s sad, pathetic, and completely understandable
[mage] what should I give sister for unzipping?
[Kevyn] Um. Ten bucks?
[mage] no I mean like, WinZip?
[skrike] I think the ppl above me are having sex
[skrike] either that or they’re sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.
WallJam7: roses are red
WallJam7: violets are blue
WallJam7: all of my base
WallJam7: are belong to you
[@redfox] just found out my sisters been in labour for 7 hours
[@bovineaux] omg ur gonna be a daddy!
[MasterG] …………………………………
[judas] where’s pacman when you need him?
[MortalKombat] stfu mat|t u cu.nt
*Acaila sets mode: +b MortalKombat!*@*
[@Acaila] FINISH HIM
[mat|t] rofl
[MortalKombat] omg wtf man
*MortalKombat was kicked by Acaila (forward, forward, back, back, forward, punch)
[@Acaila] FATALITY!
[TFH] I’m going to start a band called Dial Up, and we are only going to play slow songs.
[insanity] “Before the internet, the village idiot would stay in his own village.”
[R-66Y] 1280×1024 at 60hz hurts my eyes
[raygun] hmm
[raygun] it Hz your eyes
[raygun] SNORT SNORT
May 9th, 2005
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