Archive for October, 2005
Has this ever happend to you: You’re hanging out with a guy when you spot a good looking girl and wonder if she’s his type.
You say, “She’s very pretty” or something to that effect. You’re expecting a yes or no, but the response you get is something on the order of, “Yeah, I’d do her.”
Now, certainly I find it charming… And by charming I mean I’d like to kick them in the ass. Because for one, most men will mount anything with a pulse. So, you’re not really helping me out with that bit of information about your willingness. But what really bothers me is that girls don’t have an equally crude response for when the tables are turned.
Problem solved! From now on, when your male friends speak about handsome celebrities, good looking chums, or attractive passersby, here’s your new response: (It’s all in the delivery) Pause for a moment, press your lips together and glance upwards as if to ponder, inhale, then let it fly. “Yeah, I’d put it in my mouth.”
October 22nd, 2005
When my brain is on empty, I can always count on Silentz to hook me up with some good shiz. This week it’s this video of two brothers, Chase & Cole Armitage, who practice a form of street-style martial arts that’s a blend of Parkour and the Wushu training style… Press play!
October 21st, 2005
Welcome to the suck… And speaking of sucking, nobody told me I neglected to mention this movie when listing upcoming attractions earlier this week. I suck. You suck. We suck. Hope the movie won’t.
Are any of you watching “Over There” on television? Word from the spousal unit is that it’s fantastic. I’m too empathic to handle it. Vibrant, intelligent, young people getting blown up never sits well with me. I always wish there was a better way, but alas. My brother spent a year in the Gulf and I hated every minute of it, but I was proud of him, too.
October 20th, 2005
My little brother complained all day about how hungry he was. He was getting lethargic. I was starving, too. We were quite often hungry …but only randomly fed.
Mom had neglected to submit the paperwork for free meals at school, so lunches had become a thing of the past. What did she care? Somehow she always managed to be forty pounds overweight, while we stole fruit from neighbors trees on the walk to and from school.
Back home, the refrigerator held only inedible things like margarine, mustard, and ice cube trays. We never knew when mom would be home, or how angry she would get if we dared to bother her for a meal. Often it just wasn’t worth the risk.
Grandma lived only two blocks away, with a kitchen filled to overflowing with the most delicious foods you could ever imagine. But we knew better than to tell grandma and grandpa we were hungry and alone. That would just bring down more of mom’s wrath.
So I pulled down the collection of McCall’s cookbooks and spread them out on the kitchen floor, flung open the doors to the pantry and cupboards, and went to work. Pouring through recipe after recipe, trying to find something to match the few dry ingredients on hand. Imagining all those meals made my stomach growl.
Hope was finally found inside the volume devoted to cookies. How cheery cookies are! Sweet and warm. There was flour, we had sugar, and spices, too. Baking soda lasts forever. We had everything I needed to make the simplest tea cakes… We thought they tasted like heaven.
Sometimes I look at the skinny girls and I wonder how they can like looking thin more than feeling satisfied. How can they choose day after day to regiment themselves to being half empty? I see them with their cans of water packed tuna and salad greens and feel pity.
Anyone who was malnourished as a child knows about the promises you make. Like Scarlett O’Hara, you swear, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” And it’s a promise you keep so easily in this land of plenty, where there’s an eatery around every corner.
Now, every day of the week my brother and I have lunch together. It’s a blessing working together for a time. I have a feeling we’ll look back on this era later in life and cherish the time spent together even more. It’s been an important time of learning and growing.
These days, instead of worrying what, when, and if we’ll eat, we look forward to letting the other person choose a lunch destination. We take turns. Now the emphasis is on packing the fewest amount of calories into a most satisfying meal, because we’re both trying to cut back.
It’s funny how things only seem to change. We’re shaped by our experiences, especially those early ones. I still find it hard to resist a cookie… And I picked up a vintage set of McCall’s cookbooks on eBay.
October 19th, 2005
Would you rather:
- Have a head that looks like a lollipop or hands three times normal size?
Mickey Mouse hands would really cramp my style, but with an oversized noggin I’d finally fit in with the Hollywood elite. Having a head that’s too big for your body is de rigueur for stardom, right?
- Have sweat that smells like bacon or like a flowery air freshener?
As a girl, this one is an easy choice — BACON! I’d be completely irresistible to all but the most devout Muslims, and who wants those hairy garlic-breathing camel-jockey pork-haters anyway?
- Tell your deepest sexual desire to a total stranger each day or clap your hands highschool cheerleader style every time somebody says “OK”?
I’m gonna go with #2 since I do that instinctively as it is. Once a cheerleader… Besides, I wouldn’t want to make random strangers suffer spontaneous combustion. That’s just cruel.
- Dress like Elvis at formal functions or dance like him?
May I please do BOTH? I heart that hunka hunka burnin’ love!
October 18th, 2005
The holiday season is creeping up, and along with it will come a host of new film releases. These blockbusters are preparing to part us with our money at the box office. Here are a few of the upcoming titles that will undoubtedly draw me to theatres:
The Chronicles of Narnia
Disney was a little bit jealous of the LOTR franchise, don’t you think? In response, they’ve picked up this beloved series from CS Lewis. Fine by me as long as they don’t screw it up. Regardless, I’m dying to see Aslan and co. in the first installment: The Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe.
Aeon Flux
Though I’ve never been a fan of Charlize Theron’s work, this one looks interesting. Of course, you know I have a weak spot for the ass kicking sci-fi hotties… Being one and all. Crossing my fingers that this movie will live up to its hype. At the very least, the costumes look fantastic.
X-Men III - X3
Not only does the comic book storyline still have so much to offer, but there must be something badass in the works for all the leading stars (Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Patrick Stewart, Famke Janssen) to sign on for another sequel. I can hardly wait… Gambit, anyone?
The Pink Panther
Had the opportunity to participate in a study of this movie before it went into final production and was impressed. This is Steve Martin in his element. In fact, after seeing him as Inspector Clouseau, I can hardly tolerate the original. A little Beyonce didn’t hurt either.
Dead Man’s Chest
Pirates of the Caribbean the sequel, with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom sharing the screen again next summer. Pure brain candy, with no nutritive value what so ever. Thank you for making piratey hotness even more alluring… Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!
And now some movies that I’m not very excited about…
Casino Royale
I’m not really interested in seeing this Daniel Craig guy as James Bond. Still having a hard time letting go of the hotness that is Pierce Brosnan as 007… Screw this new guy, I’m staying home.
DOOM
You’d think I’d be all about movies based on popular games, but not this time. Besides, there’s a HALO movie in the works, directed by none other than Peter Jackson, which sounds far more interesting.
Rocky VI
Thank you, but the first five were more than enough… Pass! Nothing on earth could make me want to see that scary miniature plastic surgery train-wreck reprise his nauseating role as the Italian Stallion.
Jurassic Park IV
Velociraptors again? …Zzzz!
October 17th, 2005
I’m afraid that I’ll always be a wounded duck, and that no matter how I try to heal from the sexual assaults in my past, its stench is always on me, attracting predators. All the karate in the world can’t make me feel safe. The second somebody catcalls me on the street I have to mute the fight or flight response. Then I feel dirty, like I’ve done something wrong. As if I’ve endangered myself by looking pretty, exuding confidence, or being nicely dressed.
Yet, I want to feel beautiful and free and whole… It’s a vicious circle. I spent thirteen years hovering between a size 12 and 14 because I wouldn’t deal with those fears. I hated being big, but hated more what I might face if I left my cocoon. Now I’ve maintained a decent weight for two years, and I know I was right to be afraid. New waves of pain come… Like the layers of an onion. You peel one away and find there are countless others. You just keep slicing and let the tears fall.
Last week I was walking down the street and some guy working up on a roof saw me and shouted, “Oh, shit… HELLO!” and rather than being flattered (which I assume is the appropriate response) I found myself wishing I had a bow and arrow to shoot the bastard down. On the outside, I managed to flash a patronizing “go to hell” grin, then look straight down at the sidewalk and speed away, but on the inside the red light was flashing murder.
That weekend it happened again. I was at the mall sitting down for a snack when I felt these eyes burning holes through me. I located their source and returned his gaze with a “cut it out” squint, which he took as an invitation to sidle over and ask if I have a boyfriend. I say “I’m married.” After he followed that up with, “Of course, you are so beautiful” I found myself fighting the desire to scream:
“You are a horrifying freak! What gave you the notion that you should approach me? You are a disgusting old foreigner, and I am at least twenty years your junior, making you old enough to be my father. Yet you are such a slave to the lust of your eyes that you had to try? I wish you dead for the sake of sparing other women from this insult.”
I know that makes me sound like a stuck-up self-righteous bitch, but it’s not like I want to have these feelings… I don’t know how to change my responses. I’m not even certain what the appropriate response would be! I get offended just to stuff down the panic caused by a stranger’s desire. It always hurts unless it’s done from a place of charity instead of covetousness, and it’s easy to discern the difference.
What the hell do hot girls do? How do they deal with it? I’m your average Jane, and I can’t handle the attention. Who is raising these men? Who is giving them the idea that it’s okay to express something as crude as lust to a stranger? Recognizing beauty is fine, and it can be accomplished with as little as a smile. Save the expository for someone you actually know… At least until I work through this.
October 16th, 2005
Say hello to my little friend. Can somebody please tell me why I never get any normal illnesses? I always get the catastrophic, miserable, and potentially deadly stuff. This time it’s the rare condition of exercise-induced anaphylaxis.
Didn’t even tell my doctor about it until after the third time it happened, at which point he impressed upon me the importance of dialing 911 immediately next time, because by the way: It’s going to happen again. So when it does, I’m supposed to jab this giant needle thing into my leg and hold it there for ten seconds while it pumps me full of adrenaline… And on that note, off to the gym I go!
October 15th, 2005
I have a dirty little secret: Every day I open my Bloglines feeds and the first thing I look for (after reading your blogs, of course) is my daily dose of Natalie Dee …Don’t deprive yourself, add her RSS feed to your list!
PS: Thanks to Silentz for helping me find samples for your amusement!
October 14th, 2005
While all of this may be painfully obvious to you, please pardon me as I drill the following concepts into my head:
There are things that I want to achieve and yet have not. The only reason for this is that I failed to desire them sincerely enough. I was either too emotionally lazy (avoidance) to dig deep enough to reach my fears and expose the lies behind them, or I was deceiving myself about the extent of my ambition to begin with.
Continue Reading October 13th, 2005
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