Atomic Bombshell


Feeling Ugly

November 27th, 2005

Skinny LohanFor the past few days (as evidenced by the lack of substance in my posts) the only thing on my mind are some quandaries about my weight. I’ve been dancing around the issues currently plaguing me instead of telling you, and it’s about time I fess up and spill what’s really going on in my sad little heart.

I would hate to be guilty of robbing someone of a beautiful “I thought I was the only one who felt like this” moment. (I’m thinking of Lisa …Heart you, girlie!) So for whoever wants to listen, here it is… And it will entail some pathetic ranting. You’ve been warned.

I should feel so HOT right now, but instead I feel absolutely BARFUGLY. Ever seen me use CAPS when I’m TYPING TO YOU? No… This is me YELLING out of sheer FRUSTRATION. I am HURTING and ANGRY because although I’m healthier than I’ve ever been in my entire adult life, my body appears so UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY to me that I am FREAKING OUT!

First of all, I’ve been through this phase before. I know from experience that there are some gnarly transitions when you drop fat. My brain keeps reminding me that it’s just a short season, and that my body is going to bounce right back to normal in a few months. However, a few months feels like FOR-FUCKING-EVER at this point.

A mere fifteen pounds and two months ago, I felt good naked. Before I learned what it was like to crack my elbow into my hip bone, I was just happy to see some clavicle. I knew I was chunky – But I was still ME. Today, I don’t recognize the body I just soaped up in the shower… This is some new girl that I’ll have to either destroy, or learn to accept.

What makes this emotionally painful phase so much more outrageous is that I’m still plenty fat! I can pinch inches. Skinny is not in my genes, and I’m okay with that. I’d rather look fantastic naked (in my opinion, and no offense to people who like ’em thin!) than look good in clothes. For example, I will always prefer the curvy Lohan to that stick above.

I love exercise, the feeling of empowerment that comes from improved fitness, and knowing that I’m doing something that could add to my lifespan or vitality… But I am HATING the effects of becoming “athletic” because my body image was formed around a softer, rounder, fuller look. I hate backsliders, but I am ripe to go A.W.O.L.

‘Rora ain’t too proud to ask for some encouragement.

Entry Filed under: Carrie's Rants

20 Comments

  • 1. Chaz  |  November 27th, 2005 at 10:58 pm

    I’ve noticed that my problem with losing weight is the opposite of yours. People tell me they can notice that I’ve lost fat and am looking better, but I can’t ever really see that in myself. I don’t feel any different, and it’s not until I gain some weight back that I actually see the progress I had made. Then I’m mad at myself for allowing myself to negate the progress I’d already made. It’s a vicious cycle like that.

    Now, however, I’m convinced that losing weight and getting in shape is about consistency and setting short term goals for onseself and not consistently obsessing over one’s body image. Although, that’s easier said than done.

  • 2. Char  |  November 27th, 2005 at 11:37 pm

    I can somewhat understand your frustration. I will not metion my weight as you may curse me to high heaven but my own mother told me that I looked fat, I nearly wanted to kill her. She was not encouraging or anything she just said it! I do expect my better half to be honest with me, I know we’ve ate out like potheads with the muchies for the last year…but I have been happy doing it.

    I think we all go through a yo-yo phase and while we experience this phase we need reassurance that it is normal, and yes darling it is normal. The bottom line is if you are happy and content than it is ok to go through this phase. You definately have my support and encouragement and it will all come full circle how you want it to.

  • 3. BloodyWits  |  November 28th, 2005 at 12:23 am

    It’s scary sometimes, the way our bodies change when we lose weight. Nothing seems to look quite right.

    I look at my hands and wrists and think they look downright skeletal, and at my upper arms and realize I can’t even see the curve of muscle there because it’s hiding under an inch or two of extra fat. That much difference in an arm’s length…*shaking head*.

    My aunt had one of those stomach-stapling surgeries and then had to have multiple plastic surgery sessions to put her proportions back in order. She also turned into a real bitch once all that was done, so I don’t recommend that course of action. πŸ˜‰

    Anyway, doll, my point was, I understand your frustration.

  • 4. Dave2  |  November 28th, 2005 at 2:39 am

    EVERYBODY PREFERS CURVY LOHAN TO THE CREEPY STICK-FIGURE LOHAN! How did the hottie from “Mean Girls” get to looking like this?!? No… Please don’t tell me… I just don’t want to know.

  • 5. Deleted Soul  |  November 28th, 2005 at 5:03 am

    Hang in there sweetie. I would die for the motivation to drop 15…but I know I would have the same issues as you. It does not matter how many people tell you that you are hot stuff, you are still going to have mirror/shower/scale self loathing moments. I almost think that it is ingrained in the female brain from birth that we are supposed to hate ourselves.

    From a personal point of view, I went from being stick figure skinny (think size 1/95 lbs), to gaining nearly 30 lbs and feeling like a rhino… Was I ever truly happy with how I looked? Of course not~ Now I am trying to get to the muscled, toned level of hotness that my husband would like, but it is so damned hard.

    The bottom line is that you have to convince yourself that the end result is worth this frustrating in between time… Kind like growing out your bangs. You might feel scuzzy now, but the next time you go shopping, that butt is going to love the new sizes. πŸ™‚

  • 6. Master Foley  |  November 27th, 2005 at 9:59 pm

    Hmm… Maybe your workout doesnt need to be so intense.
    But hey, I’m a stupid guy, what do I know…

  • 7. The Bombshell  |  November 27th, 2005 at 10:10 pm

    You’re not stupid! That’s part of what I’m mulling over in my head right now. I’m enjoying that I’ve found a fun lifestyle which brings me to an even slimmer result, but this transition is just… BLECH!

    These are the questions I’m asking myself: 1. Do I need to lose any more weight right now? 2. Should I take it up to a maintenance level for a while? 3. Could I even do that without gaining weight back?

    And let’s not omit the questions that shouldn’t be on my list but are: 4. Is my husband going to find me repulsive, since he always liked me big? and 5. Will I ever be slim enough to please aunt Martha?

    Yep, that pretty much covers it.

  • 8. Neb  |  November 28th, 2005 at 10:22 am

    Don’t turn yourself into a stick! If you feel healthy and look the way you want to look and have good muscle tone, just hang on to that. Aunt Martha can sit on a tack.

    I wish I could see you in person so I could have something really pertinent or constructive.

  • 9. April  |  November 28th, 2005 at 10:43 am

    It does take time to get adjusted to the body you have now, why, with buying new clothes, etc. it can be rough. You are right though, you are a new person now, with the way you look, and it can be frustrating, but don’t let it be. I know, that if you keep your chin up and remind yourself every single day what an intelligent, funny, and talented woman you are, I can most certainly almost guarantee that those ideas of self-doubt will disappear. I don’t know if you do yoga or not, but yoga does wonders for the mind and body. I know, power yoga always makes me feel better about myself… and… it is a way of exercise that does not destroy curves. Perhaps you should tone down your exercising a tad bit.

  • 10. Master Foley  |  November 28th, 2005 at 11:17 am

    Well, a lot of people have answered these questions using themselves as specualtion. But I personally have no facts to base an honest answer to your questions. How much to you weigh now, and how much did you weigh when you were most happy? And I have never seen a picture of what you look like, so I can’t examine the overall effect.

    As for the hubby you, have to ask him. Me, I always liked meat and taters, but I wouldn’t think he would find you repulsive. I think it would be much like my father prefers my mother with long hair. As for your Aunt – I’d tell her to shove it!

  • 11. Deb  |  November 28th, 2005 at 12:01 pm

    I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t felt they looked horrible at one point or other, no matter if they’re thin or not. I think you should do what YOU want to do, not what Aunt Martha or even your hubby want. You have to live with you every day, and you need to be happy in your own skin.

    Sometimes I get to feeling like this at PMS time, and I always feel better after a couple days. πŸ™„

  • 12. Andrew QH  |  November 28th, 2005 at 12:34 pm

    http://www.rockharbor.org/resources/messages/mp3s/2005-05-08.mp3

  • 13. Web Junkie  |  November 28th, 2005 at 2:25 pm

    I say do whatever makes you happy and healthy! Good luck! πŸ˜‰

  • 14. Miss Meliss  |  November 28th, 2005 at 4:15 pm

    We all have ‘bad body days’ I think, and really, stick-thin is completely unattractive. I mean, do you really want to be a barbie doll? I know I don’t. We live in a culture of extremes, and forget that most people do not fit ANY extreme. So, if you’re happy with yourself at whatever weight, or level of curvy-ness, that’s where you should stay.

    Frankly, I’d rather be curvacious and cool than completely caught up in staying thin.

  • 15. KangaMini  |  November 28th, 2005 at 6:56 pm

    ‘Rora – girl – we got the same thing going on right now. When I was at 170 I felt FANTASTIC – and I looked mostly fantastic too. Everyone told me I looked too skinny, of course they were used to the 300lb Kanga and not the New Hottness. I got complacent and the New Hottness gained weight. When I look at pictures of myself I can see the weight gain. It’s no longer the tight pants or tight tee shirts – I can actually see it in my face. It’s hard. I feel you girl.

  • 16. Bill H  |  November 28th, 2005 at 8:30 pm

    You can read all this and either like or dislike it, but in the end you need to do what YOU want. I’ve been married for 27 years and my wife looks better to me now than when we were first married. She weighs about 10 pounds more now, but I like the distribution. (There was a time after our daughter was born that she was about 70 pound heavier than she is now) She continues to work out, and consequently lose weight, but not for me – for HER. Funny thing is, I don’t pressure her about her weight… her mother does. My wife is 50 and STILL lets her mother take her on guilt trips (UGH). Anyway… Don’t let anyone else tell you how to feel about yourself.

  • 17. Gweny  |  November 29th, 2005 at 1:11 pm

    Believe me, healthy looks better than skinny. Over-doing the exercise is just as unhealthy as under-doing it. When you feel good about your diet and exercise, you’ll feel good about your body. No one is perfect. Sexy is a state of mind, not just a hot body.

    *Kisses and hugs* You sexy, thang, you!

  • 18. Neil  |  November 29th, 2005 at 2:25 pm

    I think you’re just being hard on yourself. You should congratulate yourself on what you accomplished. I’m sure you look gorgeous.

  • 19. Diana Crabtree  |  November 30th, 2005 at 4:05 pm

    Martha can move on, and Hubby will find you hot if YOU find you hot.

    I think there would be no harm in focusing on maintenence. Maybe you don’t need to lose any more. Also, if you get down to the LA style ideal, you will be torturing yourself forever just to stay there. If you are between 20-23% fat then you for sure should stop losing.

    I am so sorry that you are feeling un-lovely today. I am certain that it is an inaccurate feeling. Even if you were a cow or a stick, you would still be beautiful, because you are kind, smart, and talented.

  • 20. soapbox.SUPERSTAR  |  November 30th, 2005 at 6:27 pm

    Its a roller coaster that no one will ever understand, unless they have spent a lifetime fighting weight.

    Let me tell you, when I first started REALLY working out, I lost weight, but did not have that long lean look (not like I could be too long I am only 5’3″) – I learned quickly that I had to be careful with what exercises I chose to do. I build muscle very easily, so I chose to run. I quit lifting all weights and quit the gym all together. The running worked wonders. There was nothing better than listening to music, and getting outside and actually going somewhere. The weight melted off, I could not keep it on to save my life. My muscles became longer and leaner, yet very defined.

    It is all about finding the excercise that works for YOUR body. Not all routines are good for every bidy type. Be careful though, do not let it consume you!!! It is very easy to let that happen, because being skinny and fit is new to people that did not grow up that way…

    Just my 2 cents…



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