Archive for November, 2005
Would you rather:
- Have a “Get out of jail free” or “2nd in a beauty contest” card?
Without a doubt, I’d take the Get Out of Jail card. When I imagine all of the horrible (slash wonderful) things I could get away with, my mind nearly explodes. Second prize only means you’re the #1 loser.
- Have the power to give paper cuts or satisfy people’s hunger?
I’m certain I currently posess both abilities, but I’ll assume they mean I could do it telekinetically. In which case, let’s just be honest, I’d choose the ability to inflict pain… But wait, what kind of hunger?
- Eat a plate full of daisies or four full hams in one sitting?
Daisies, even if they kill me! Nobody should consume that much pork.
- Get hit with a golf ball or a football?
First of all, I’ve already been pelted with every type of ball there is. (Yes, even those, gutter brains!) It’s really a question of where the strike will land and how fast it’s travelling. Without knowing, I would be forced to opt for the more pliable pigskin.
November 22nd, 2005
As my husband prepares for his brown belt, I find myself thinking back to the days when we started martial arts training. My whole life I’d wondered what went on inside that odd little building, then finally I learned… The world renowned home of American Kenpo, it was the original Ed Parker studio.
Having a dojo with such an exalted reputation in our back yard was nice, and we were fortunate to train there in its final years. It was a shame to see a place with so much history fade away, but such is life. These days my husband studies elsewhere, and I no longer train in martial arts at all… In retrospect, it was never my cup of tea.
Strange how often you can’t predict how you’ll respond to a situation until you’re in it. Kenpo teaches your body to respond effectively, but nothing could have prepared me for how I was going to react to karate. As it turns out, it’s too painful to submit yourself to even a mock beating when you have far too many memories of the real thing.
November 21st, 2005
Now that I’ve pointed an angry finger at my gender, it’s only fair that I examine the fingers pointing right back at me. An obvious issue is my mouth: I use my tongue like a sword. My brother sweetly mentioned so this week, and though it was not a new piece of info, the fact that my words would ever wound him begs for an urgent remedy.
The kid is right. I’m ashamed of how easy it is for me to cut people to the marrow. Devastating words fly from my lips with heartless precision. Like a shark during a feeding frenzy, my eyes roll back in my head and I wake when it’s over, viewing the resultant carnage as if it were created by someone else. Not very ladylike, is it?
We all have strengths and weaknesses, but it’s sadly common for talents to be perverted (taken too far) until they become a defect. Self-expression has always come freely to me, but my sharp tongue is thereby unsheathed too often. Once those harsh words are out there, they can’t truly be taken back… The damage is done.
I want my lips used to build, not destroy.
November 20th, 2005
An open letter to jealous women:
You are the reason I would rather live the rest of my life without female friends. Every time I reach out, I get attacked by irrational harpies like you for no apparent reason. You remind me about everything I loathe in my gender and make me pity the desperate men who manage to put up with you.
First of all, what even gives you the right to be jealous of me? How dare you assume that I have something that couldn’t be yours! Everything you see here was built from nothing. I had no role models, nobody to help me become the woman I am today. What you covet in me is the result of my pain, struggles, and hard work – And I’m still under construction…
Continue Reading November 19th, 2005
Stumbled upon a web page of an artist in residence at Cornell who was charged with making creative programs for the students, and “Letters to Walken” was the result.
Christopher Walken is my favorite SNL guest character. Have you seen him as The Continental, and needing MORE COWBELL? These letters are bizarre… Enjoy!
If for some reason that wasn’t your style: Try this one instead.
November 18th, 2005
November 17th, 2005
Some days just suck until the last minute. Thank you, Mr. Full Moon! Rushed around trying to get ready for the board meeting tomorrow after just being informed today that I’ll be conducting it, pretty much from start to finish, for the first time ever… Wish me luck!
Then, as if the day wasn’t already fubar, I had the extreme honor of being verbally assaulted by a deranged freakette, which took the wind right out of my sails when it comes to that whole wanting “friends of the female variety” idea.
God bless the gym for rescuing this day from total disaster. After a fantastic spinning session where I imagined all my problems as the asphalt, I emerged to see a familiar face standing at the check-in desk…
Remember when I told you a story about that guy from chemistry class? In a Twilight Zone moment, today I met up with Hassan McCullough, who still stands by his original assessment of my backside.
November 16th, 2005
This Week: Best Movie Characters
Tony Montana of Scarface — With as many awesome quotables as this Cuban gangster put forth, I can’t help but put him first in line. One of my personal favorites: Here pelican, pelican, pelican…
O-Ren Ishii of Kill Bill — The way she decapitated that jerk by padding across the table in her tabi and whipping out her katana… I fantasize about that scene often during those endless meetings in the boredroom.
Captain Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds of Serenity — Charming albeit emotionally repressed, he’s full of contradictions. If the Firefly story doesn’t continue beyond the first movie, I am going to miss this guy big time.
C. K. Dexter Haven & Tracy S. Lord of The Philadelphia Story — Two for one, because they’re just plain better together. Their sarcasm and chemistry were genius. Cary Grant & Kate Hepburn were one hot pair!
James Bond of the self titled series — Not only is he brilliant, humorous, and highly deadly… But any guy who looks that good in a tuxedo while catching bad guys gets me somewhat shaken and stirred.
Sam Monroe of Life As a House — The classic troubled teen, acting out against deep dissatisfaction with his family life. I enjoyed watching him transform as a result of his father’s unique expression of love.
Joe “Blondie” from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly — In my mind, the ultimate representation of the strong, silent type. This tall, funny, surprisingly handsome guy was certainly a treat to observe in action.
Marianne Dashwood of Sense & Sensibility — She wears her feelings on the outside, and as a result, gets burned so hard that she nearly expires. I identify with this girl more than I really care to admit.
Nathan Algren of Last Samurai — The story is so intriguing that even Tom Cruise, in his Scientology madness, couldn’t screw it up. Doesn’t hurt that it’s from the same director as Glory and Legends of the Fall.
Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore of Apocalypse Now — Because who doesn’t love the smell of napalm in the morning? It’s hard to forget a character who looks around the battle zone and decides: Surf’s up!
November 15th, 2005
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