Archive for November, 2005
Worse, actually… I did something so convoluted that only I could come up with it. Somehow I decided I was too sexy for my dreams… They weren’t aspirational enough for me.
Admitting this for the first time just now doesn’t make me feel any better, either. More like I need to do something about it… Which sucks.
At one point, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my career, but I never shared the details with anybody. Least of all my family, who would completely freak out once they stopped laughing. After all, my father’s sole interest in me from day one involved making sure I would not remain a financial burdern to him.
So I judged myself and ruled that my desires were lacking… That this ambition was frivolous, and that pursuing it would be admitting to something my mother accused me of so often: Sitting on my brains. Psycho to English translation: I’ve been blessed with an extra measure of intelligence, and should therefore use it to its full potential.
Maybe they’re right, I thought. After all, I had to make a living and survive in this big, scary, adult world. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and fun jobs don’t pay much… Right? Where was Joseph Campbell when I needed him? Wonder where I’d be today if I had followed my bliss instead of those transplanted fears.
The good news is that I didn’t stray far. Although at one point I was an Accounting major (right on track for a future in alcoholism and suicide) eventually I couldn’t resist the allure of something better aligned with my natural aptitudes, and with some luck a career developed.
I’m a lot closer to my dreams than I deserve to be…
But it will take one more leap to get there — Yikes!
November 10th, 2005
Working for a giant corporation while finishing college, I remember being overwhelmed by the politics. About the only thing that made me feel at home at first were the droves of silly little emails that people would circulate. They felt like the workplace equivalent of offering someone a cookie from your lunchbox in elementary school.
Although it doesn’t take long to grow tired of all that nonsense, now that I’ve been removed from that world for a while, I’m finally starting to miss those chain letters, syrupy slideshows, urban legends, and lame poetry. In a way, it makes me feel bad about how I deleted scores of them, unopened, once I had been assimilated.
Years have gone by without a single cheesy email crossing my inbox, but today that changed. This silly diversion somehow wrangled its way past our spam blockers. It reminded me of those cootie catchers from back in the day. Much to my surprise, it cured my secret longings.
INSTRUCTIONS: [Approximate time required: 3 minutes]
First, get a pen and paper. When you actually choose names, make sure it’s people you actually know and (this is the most important part) go with your first instinct… Don’t read ahead or you’ll ruin it!
1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
2. Then, beside 1 and 2, write down any two numbers.
3. Beside the 3 and 7, write members of the opposite sex.
4. Write anyone’s name (friends or family) in 4, 5, and 6.
5. Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10, and 11.
6. Finally, make a heartfelt wish.
And now the key to the game…
Continue Reading November 9th, 2005
Would you rather…
- Shave your eyebrows & head or have black teeth for 2 weeks?
In my lifetime I’ve only had hair that could be described as short for one month, and I hated it completely. Also, my expressive eyebrows are my pride and joy. I think I would rather avoid smiling for a couple weeks. I’ve had some practice, so black teeth it is.
- Be able to talk to the dead or see ten minutes into the future?
You’ll probably later convince me I made the wrong choice, but for now I’m picking the latter. I’d like to know what’s on the other side, but I can tolerate the mystery. Seeing into the future could be an invaluable help. At times I think I’ve already experienced something similar through the phenomenon of deja-vu… And it’s fun!
- Get hit on the head with a beer bottle or across the chest with a tire iron?
I’ll go with what I know Alex, and take the beer bottle for $500. It is with great shame that I admit: Many years ago, at a particularly low point in my life, I was involved in a bar brawl. Some evil whore clocked me in the back of the head with a lowball glass. She ended up with a broken nose. My noggin hurt a lot less than my arms did… Kept resisting the bouncers’ attempts to pry me off of her. 
- Constantly have a flower growing out of your ear or tears running down your face?
Is this even a quandary? I’d find a way to make that flower work.
November 8th, 2005
MrLemurBoy hooked me up with a little easter egg from the Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith DVD… Rather than searching around to uncover it yourself, here is the video clip for your viewing pleasure:
November 7th, 2005
In my recent quest to find some friends of the female variety, I’ve been thinking back to the days when I actually had some… Trying to discover and analyze common elements, hoping to glean useful insights that might help me today.
As a marketing girl, I understand well the concept of having a demographic… A segment of the population which finds your product particularly appealing. Looking back, I realize that my market was always rich girls. I can’t figure out why they frequently adopted me, but I never gave it much thought.
Continue Reading November 6th, 2005
This lovebird has been hanging around with people for too long. Lately he’s adopted some very un-bird-like habits. For example, he sleeps on his belly in his little tent… But only in cold weather. He’s a spoiled brat. When he gets bored with his food, he steps in the dish and kicks seeds all over the place like he’s swimming.
But today he topped them all: He flew into the bathroom as I was about to take a tinkle, so I let him stay. He was watching intently, and when I was done, he hopped down onto the toilet seat with his tail facing in the bowl, let one go, and then flew away… Unreal!
November 5th, 2005
How do I know I’m pretty good at what I do? …Today I spent the first half of the morning at work training to fund loans, and then the remains of the day doing just that. Nothing could be farther from my responsibilities, actually. So, why did I do it then? Because if I didn’t, the whole lending department was going to commit murder against me. And why would they do that? Well, because my new holiday promotion hit this week, and it’s quickly turning out to be so successful that we’re going to fund more loans in a single day than we normally do in a week… Hehehehehe! Now, that’s what I call satisfaction.
November 3rd, 2005
I had hoped the trend would fade quickly, but judging by the increasing number of emblazoned backsides around town, it’s time to put a halt to this nonsense. Whether it says Juicy or Abercrombie, the bottom line is (all puns intended) I don’t want to read anything that’s written across your butt… Unless there’s some truth in assvertising:
November 2nd, 2005
Would you rather:
- Be able to talk to dolphins or spiders?
Not only are they super adorable, and much friendlier than spiders, but according to the Hitchhiker’s Guide, dolphins are smarter than humans. No offense to Charlotte and her web, but I’d pick Flipper.
- Shoot spaghetti noodles from your fingertips or change your skin color to various pastel shades?
What’s funny is that I know where the first idea came from: Dane Cook’s new comedy CD. But umm… As much as I love the inventor of the SuFi, I’m going to have to choose the chameleon ability because color coordination is an important part of my life.
- Develop an allergy to your favorite food or your best friend?
There’s a no-brainer… Things are never as important as people.
- Walk across the USA from LA to NY or climb Mount Everest?
I’m not big on freezing to death or keeling over from a lack of oxygen, and sherpas don’t really excite me… So I’ll pick the long walk. Besides, I’ve always wanted to visit Manhattan.
November 1st, 2005
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