January 9th, 2006
“Let’s talk a little bit about L-O-V-E. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a ‘relationship’ and things can go great, then you have a ‘great relationship.’
But sometimes it doesn’t go so great, and I call that a ‘relationshit.’
When you’re not in love… When you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love, on like the same day. Even Karen the Douchebag falls in love. Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by.
‘WHAT?! The tards just got married on their lawn!’
That’s great! I have nobody, and the tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of tardy-ness. Or is that, they’re late for everything? I don’t know.” - Dane Cook
As I’ve mentioned before, one of my best buddies is getting over a break-up. We’ve all been there, right? …Missing them, longing for those good times, wishing it would all work itself out. He goes home and the place seems so empty without her. All he can think about is her smile. There are moments of anger, self-loathing, and so on… And I am the worst friend on earth because I don’t know what the heck to say!
How did you get through it? Any words of wisdom?
Entry Filed under: One Of The Guys
16 Comments Add your own
1.
Pie | January 9th, 2006 at 11:16 pm
I’m lucky enough to have been married to the same guy for 10 years, and I’ve kind of forgotten what it feels like after a breakup, so I have no real words of wisdom… Except maybe, alcohol & lots of it!
I’m sure you’re a great friend. I think the best thing you can probably do right now is listen to him when he needs it, try to take his mind off it as much as possible, and of course, drink copious amounts of alcohol with him. It always comes back to the alcohol.
2.
Lisa | January 10th, 2006 at 12:02 am
Honestly, just being there is what matters. I have never thought that anybody would have the answers when I talked to them about how I was feeling. What mattered was that they listened to me and didn’t make me feel like I was being silly for thinking about a smile or how empty my house felt.
3.
Nicky | January 10th, 2006 at 12:05 am
Yup, I agree with the above… Just being there to listen and not judging/looking bored is the important thing. One time I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone about a break up it actually set me on a very bad path in my head. You are already doing the best thing for him.
4.
soapbox.SUPERSTAR | January 10th, 2006 at 7:57 am
I am going through it myself - so if you find any miracle answers… Pass it on!
5.
Master Foley | January 10th, 2006 at 10:44 am
LOL, I feel this man’s pain. When I broke up with my X all I did was cry and hate myself…. But the pain does go away.
It’s been like 4 years since I have been broken up with my X and I still think of her from time to time. Sometimes I think that is way less healthy than the self loathing.
Beats me. Just be there and do things with the him. Keep his mind focused on other things. That was the best things my friends did for me. Get him drunk and make him party his ass off!
6.
Entrophia | January 10th, 2006 at 10:54 am
“I’m sorry you hurt. I can devote X amount of time to helping you recover?” (Where X is the total you can stand to give)
7.
MooAlex | January 10th, 2006 at 11:39 am
When my marriage broke up, I went through all the stages of grief (because it really is like a death). Then I went through a few weeks of total sluttiness, which strangely enough, helped me get a bit of self-esteem back.
Also, I met my current husband at the end of this phase (he, too, was going through the slutty phase of his divorce). Also, my ex has turned into a total trailer trash butthead, so that helps, too.
So, my advice is to just be there for your friend, listen to him when he needs it, and don’t be judgmental if he goes through some questionable phases. It’s a process, and there really are no shortcuts.
8.
Andrew QH | January 10th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
You don’t allow time…
9.
Salena | January 10th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
I’m sorry to say that the only cure I’ve found is time… and I know I’ve somehow got to occupy my time to keep my mind off things… Being there for your friend is the best thing you can do… I’m sure this isn’t the answer you were looking for though… Good luck!
10.
Gussy | January 11th, 2006 at 4:16 am
Mmm, been there, still fight with the ex. Talking and time I find is the best thing, also knowing that life goes on, and that someone better will come along, that your not the “lowest asshole” that ever lived.
I also find that not talking to them helps also. Only makes you want them more. So, all that plus a good night out to know that your mates care about you!
11.
Serah | January 11th, 2006 at 11:38 am
It is true, that only time will heal the painful wounds of a break-up.
But a good friend once told me, in the meantime, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!”
12.
Neb | January 11th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
What misery. Been there, have the scars. Time can heal, but sometimes doesn’t. It’s what you do with the time that matters. 1. Don’t stew in your own juices (pity party). It just makes it worse and halts the healing process. 2. Don’t seek revenge. Results same as #1. 3. Don’t blame yourself…entirely. It takes two to screw up, but needless self-flagellation causes those negative results again. 4. While self-flagellation is right out, self-examination is good. What have we learned from this excercise in frustration? If you can’t think of anything, it’s time for a trip to the counsellor. 5. Pick the next partner from a different pool. If you keep finding lousy “soulmates”, think about where you’re finding them. I’ve known at least two people who keep hooking up with losers…because they’re always picking up somebody from a bar. Get out and follow your bliss…the best friends are found when you’re not looking. 6. Stay off the sauce. Alchohol is a depressant. Why would you want to drink when you’re already blue? I’ve never understood that one.
13.
Master Foley | January 12th, 2006 at 10:58 am
Oh yeah and you put a su-fi up… That is awesome!
14.
Gianna | January 12th, 2006 at 9:42 pm
I think just relating your own experiences is good. With a bit of emphasis on what you did that was positive (maybe going to the gym so you looked super hot next time you and the ex ran into each other, but instead it just made you look super hot for you!) and what you did that you wish you hadn’t (like the self pity thing). Partying, drinking, getting frisky those are all some ways of dealing with things, but they never really helped me personally. In fact they have always seemed to make me feel worse if I forced them and wasn’t ready.
In my breakups my advice from friends was always kind of the opposite some of the stuf I see here. Such as…
- Take this time to do something you’ve always wanted to, but felt you couldn’t because of that person
- Take a cool class
- Start excercising
- Read or journalize before bed (because that is always a tough time of the day in a break up) and sleep in the middle of the bed not on your side of it (which is the natural inclination and makes a big psychological difference)
- Whatever you do…DON’T talk to or see the ex for 90 days (always a nightmare)
- Take your time …you’ll date when you’re ready (anything before that can hurt more if not be totally worthless and make you feel horrible)
- Instead of slipping into bad habits like excessive drinking or drugs …work on some of your already existent bad habits and make them better (goals are good)
- Keep active
- Volunteer somewhere while you have a bit of extra time (this is huge and can really get someone out of their own head while making them feel awesome about what they are doing now… often they start feeling like they are better off now than with the ex because of it)
- Watch lots of movies (and not sad ones)
- Play video games
- But whatever you do…do things that will make you proud of yourself, things that make you feel healthier without the ex than with and that can’t make you feel quilty (because in a depression that is not the ammunition you should be feeding your already negative brain).
So the best thing you can do is try help your friend get into some positive behavior pattern that will make them feel good…an art class, a martial arts class, reading, volunteering, writing that book they are always saying they want to write, checking out new places, traveling, etc. And when you do see them leaning toward something like that show your full support.
And as for me, when I don’t know what to say I usually say exactly that.
“I don’t know what to say. This sucks, but I do know I love you. I wish you didn’t hurt and if there was something I could do to take it away like kick some ex ass…I would.”
People know you don’t have the answers, but sometimes hearing it followed by a joke can really help.
Best of luck!
15.
Gianna | January 12th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
oops! I am so sorry that was so long! Guess I didn’t know my own strength. Yikes!
16.
Fragile Heart | January 16th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
Well… Lots and lots of sex.
That’ll mess you up for sure. No, in all seriousness only time heals the wound of a broken heart. That and the constant company of good trusted friends will definitely help. And being able to recognize that a broken heart is an amazing part of life and the only way to truly appreciate the beauty that is being in love!
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