Archive for January, 2006
Since I mentioned my mom, I suppose today is as good a day as any to relay a memory that I had last month.
Usually I post these things right away before the details fade. This time I didn’t because it was holiday happy joy time, and I didn’t want to be a wet blanket. But back when I had that nasty 104 degree fever, it triggered a remembrance…
Very rarely, when I’m experiencing a great deal of stress and anxiety, I’ll notice a baffling physical sensation. It’s hard to explain, but it’s somewhat like chewing on styrofoam underwater in slow-motion… Mystery solved!
Continue Reading January 17th, 2006
Life sure is a kick in the pants, ain’t it?
Today, the woman who for all my formative years made misery and suffering seem like a part of normal, everyday life, admonished me about my penchant for enduring unnecessary pain. The person who took a giant dump on all of my dreams also found fit to tell me that I have a responsibility to achieve all the desires of my heart.
Yes, and this very same lunatic, who did little else than berate me every single day for at least eighty five thousand, four hundred and ten days of my life, also told me that she believes I am a vibrant, loving person, who has a whole lot to offer the world… And that I should get on it!
You know what else? She looked good doing it, too.
January 16th, 2006
January 15th, 2006
My blog has been boring as hell lately, and don’t you think I haven’t noticed! Haven’t even found sufficient words to comment on your blogs lately, and for that I am truly sorry. I will force myself out of this silent funk, I promise.
The excuse: My brain is a big jumble of thoughts that I haven’t been able to sort through… Kind of like a ball of yarn the cat attacked, and now I’m supposed to crochet an afghan.
Did that make sense? No… And there you have it! Usually the hormonal nightmare that happens this time of month produces some of my best writing, but not this time… I’m somewhere else, alone and quiet.
In any case, I’m going to get back on the ball and untangle some thoughts. Maybe some yicky stuff that I’d normally rather keep private. Because if I don’t, chances are I’m gonna go crazy… Stand by.
January 13th, 2006
January 11th, 2006
Oh my… These are a bit more “out there” than usual this time! They is talking loco and I think I like it. (Yes, that’s a Zoolander reference.) 
Would you rather:
- Get a prank call at 2am or sit on a whoopie cushion on a public bus?
May I pick both, please? Sounds like heaps o’ fun!
- Get poked in the eye or receive a wedgie?
Stay the hell away from my eyes or I will sock you. (PMS, anyone?) Go to town with the wedgie if you like, but as was already disclosed, I self-inflict one every day.
- Rushed to the hospital because of a freak accident involving a llama and whipped cream or have an allergic reaction on your nipples from latex?
Regarding option B: Eww! I pick the Llama… He’s an accident waiting to happen anyway. The whipped cream just makes it a sure thing.
- Get bitten by a rabid chihuahua or a wild badger?
Crap… Both options totally suck.
January 10th, 2006
“Let’s talk a little bit about L-O-V-E. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a ‘relationship’ and things can go great, then you have a ‘great relationship.’
But sometimes it doesn’t go so great, and I call that a ‘relationshit.’
When you’re not in love… When you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love, on like the same day. Even Karen the Douchebag falls in love. Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by.
‘WHAT?! The tards just got married on their lawn!’
That’s great! I have nobody, and the tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of tardy-ness. Or is that, they’re late for everything? I don’t know.” - Dane Cook
As I’ve mentioned before, one of my best buddies is getting over a break-up. We’ve all been there, right? …Missing them, longing for those good times, wishing it would all work itself out. He goes home and the place seems so empty without her. All he can think about is her smile. There are moments of anger, self-loathing, and so on… And I am the worst friend on earth because I don’t know what the heck to say!
How did you get through it? Any words of wisdom?
January 9th, 2006
After enjoying spinning classes for many months now, it’s high time to purchase some proper cycling shoes. My mission was to find a pair that will be perfect for class but also eventually take me out onto the road. This little task has turned out to be more complicated than I originally estimated. There are vast differences in fit among the range of brands, and like most things in life, you only get what you pay for.
The thing that kept me laughing during this annoying selection process was the following realization: Cyclists are people who wanted to be superheroes, but just didn’t make the cut… The B-team, if you will. Simply take a look at their footwear — Silver and gold, vibrant yellow, blinding white, Superman red, electric blue, and Batman black.
Holy Hotwheels! …And let’s not even mention all that spandex.
January 8th, 2006
All hail the glorious return of my one and only favorite show!
That’s correct, they aired the first new episode of BSG this evening, and if you missed it, don’t you fret about that:
You can download it tomorrow through Apple iTunes!
Now, it may just be my imagination, but I think I saw a little sexual tension building between two of the more “butch” ladies on the show. Yep! I seriously think Admiral Cain has a thing for my girlie Starbuck. And who could blame her really? Kara Thrace is a bootie-kicking hottie, card shark, cigar smoker, and a viper pilot… I mean, hello!
January 6th, 2006
As I and my fellow misogynists lament over the current state of female behavioral patterns, the smidgen of human compassion left in me prompts me to try and isolate some potential causes.
Today one rather significant factor emerged: Women’s magazines. Humbly, I submit to you that we’re far better off without them.
Fashion — In all the years I’ve thumbed through them, I have yet to see a wearable ensemble portrayed in pictures. If I’m fortunate, maybe two items will appeal to me, and chances are those came from ads, not spreads. They put those scenes together as artistic expressions, not to help any of us get dressed in the morning! Furthermore, it’s not like we have a hard time outstripping our wardrobe budgets… Given the opportunity, we can find more than enough cool stuff without the aid of a magazine, right?
Relationships — Another bloated topic that they seem to hash to death in these magazines. Are we to believe that there’s some kind of cookie-cutter solution out there that will turn challenging interpersonal matters into a little slice of heaven? Girls couldn’t possibly be that naive. But let’s face it, out of needy desperation they’ll try anything… That is, anything other than looking within themselves to find a true and honest solution. No, they’d rather take all the contradictory and manipulative advice various magazines can dole out, and come off looking like total psychopaths… Brilliant!
Sex — Now, this one really gets me. There’s a generation of girls who grew up reading “the bible” (as the ladies of SATC refer to Cosmopolitan) and I propose that it didn’t do men any favors. I’ll bet money that all it did was release a glut of crappy lovers onto the market. Creativity, where have you gone? Not to be crude, but I’ve been married for a billion years, and I have yet to run out of new material. All it requires is half a brain… Which you won’t have at your disposal if you’re firing every synapse trying to remember which way Cosmo said you should swirl your tongue! Thank you.
January 5th, 2006
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