Atomic Bombshell

Looking Back

July 26th, 2006

Looking Out

Now that I’ve achieved a substantial measure of distance from married life it’s becoming easier to look back and be objective. Through all the challenging events along life’s journey I try to search out the lessons and grow… At the very least, it feels like less of a waste that way.

I walked away from a life that plenty of women would find to be a fulfillment of their dreams. A decent guy with an excellent career, and a cute little home with a ready-made family. I know what I gave up and what could have been different… I see all the possibilities.

There are pieces of my former life that I miss. Glimpses, but never the whole picture: departing kisses as I lay sleeping in the morning, hugs at the end of a rough day, dates on Friday night… Those parts of his routine which were built in just to please me.

Let’s not even mention how I’ll never see the results of thousands of prayers, hundreds of special girl talks, and years of deliberate efforts to do everything possible to help build his three daughters into women of character… They were a big part of why I ever signed on.

In deciding to leave I had to face many hard realities about who I am. Though I wanted to believe that providing happiness for others could be all the nourishment I’d need to survive, that turned out to be false. My energy ran out because I never received a love that felt anything like love to me… So I was lonely, hurting, at times even destructive.

When I saw that pattern emerge again I knew I had to do something different. I tried so hard for so long, and I have the deep satisfaction of knowing that I did my best as a result. I’d promised I wouldn’t repeat that cycle again. Leaving was terrible, but doing it was right.

Entry Filed under: The Black Hole


  • 1. BiBi Cambridge  |  July 27th, 2006 at 12:43 am

    I just found you through BE. I like this post a lot.
    Be brave. It’s clear that you have it in you.

  • 2. Jeff  |  July 27th, 2006 at 6:40 am

    Inspiring and courageous none the less. Charge forward in the present making life-path choices based on past experiences and being mindful of the future. But ever-remember that Life, and all that is, is IN the present. Shine bright Carrie, you are a guide to yourself as well as countless others, and believe it or not a personal hero.

  • 3. Bonita in Pink  |  July 27th, 2006 at 6:49 am

    Wow, so hard. What can be said that hasn’t been said already? All I can say is: Stay strong like you are! Good Luck.

  • 4. MissMeliss  |  July 28th, 2006 at 9:00 am

    I think it’s really amazing that you know yourself well enough to have made such a difficult choice, and are strong enough to act on it. Here’s hoping the next chapter of your life is interesting, fulfilling, and gives you what you need.

    Much respect.

  • 5. Im Chele In LA  |  July 28th, 2006 at 10:02 am

    We all grow sometimes, and not in the same way that those around us grow…

  • 6. Nanette  |  July 29th, 2006 at 2:39 pm

    Very nice post.

  • 7. Steve Bremner  |  July 29th, 2006 at 8:04 pm

    Haven’t checked in on you for a while. Glad to see that you were able to extricate yourself from a toxic situation. I’ve done the same thing twice. It’s unbelievably difficult, but oh so necessary.

  • 8. Wayne  |  July 30th, 2006 at 9:49 am

    Glad to see you’re up and moving to a much better place.

  • 9. Grins  |  July 30th, 2006 at 6:06 pm

    I came to similiar conclusions when I left my own marriage years ago. It was the right decision for me and my son then and I’ve never regretted it.

  • 10. Kaph  |  August 2nd, 2006 at 2:24 am

    Came across your blog for the first time via Dave’s Blogography. First night sifting through blogs – ever. Have to say I was genuinely touched by your post. I too have made difficult choices that were necessary – necessary to the very deepest part in me. I salute you and wish you nothing but the best on your journey. I have spontaneously written a haiku for us all: Stirrings of my Soul; Calling me, I know not where; To follow is Life. 🙂

  • 11. Neb  |  August 2nd, 2006 at 5:22 pm

    Having been through a similar experience w/ husband #1 (minus the step kids) I can totally empathise with your anguish. It’s almost harder to walk away from a marriage where there’s no life or death (literally) struggle going on. People on the outside say “We’re shocked! You seemed just fine together!”, so you don’t ge a lot of sympathy or support. How can you explain to an outsider that you felt the walls closing in around you, or that both you knew that you had married for a lot of wrong reasons and you could see that it was never going to come together? For me, the internal discussion went something like, “I only have two years invested in this marriage. Should I keep flailing away at it or write it off and move on?” Part of my decision to “walk” was based on my huge “flight” (vs. fight) response, which I’m working to overcome, but I do think it was the right decision.

    Hang in there!

  • 12. soapbox.SUPERSTAR  |  August 8th, 2006 at 4:18 pm

    Good Post Carrie!!! I never did ask how the girls took the situation – Did you discuss with them?

  • 13. The Bombshell  |  August 8th, 2006 at 4:42 pm

    My husband always insisted that if ever I were to leave I must never speak to him or his children again… I’m respecting that even though it’s very hard for me because I worry about how the girls are doing. I just have to trust that their fathers (both earthly and heavenly) can take care of their needs without my help. Thanks for asking.

  • 14. Char  |  August 12th, 2006 at 8:35 am

    That is truly amazing!

  • 15. Girl Power  |  September 5th, 2007 at 11:25 am

    I have never peronally met anyone as intentionally emotionally cruel as your former HallMark. Every woman should read your blog and be made aware of his Haroness because the pattern continues and there is no hope in sight for some behavior modification.
    Mark Haro Mark Christopher Haro Mark Haro Mark C. Haro
    I am glad that you have moved on, and wish you only the best.

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