Atomic Bombshell


Villainized

February 27th, 2007

Darth VaderMost of my life I’ve been closely surrounded by people with super powers to keenly see only the worst in me. My mother was the first on the list. While not offering any tips to succeed, she did tell me in exhausting detail and frequency about every single thing that was screwed up about me.

I was not humble. I was self-absorbed. Lazy. Never utilized my potential. Was cruel to people. Overweight. Not devoted to God. Snobby. Unappreciative. Loved nobody but myself. Was a know-it-all, a criminal, and a whore. Her list covers every imaginable category and continues growing to this very day!

Perhaps I made the most of it though, because I sift through those put-downs, take the kernels of truth, and then make strides to heal in those areas. In a way, I turned what she intended to destroy me into a survival tool. That’s one strange method of self-improvement.

Later, I was in a marriage with the same dynamic in play. My husband pointed a laser beam at my flaws. He would infrequently acknowledge some minor good in me, but mostly to note how heavily overshadowed it was by my grave shortcomings. Everything that went wrong, even my own dissatisfaction, was said to be a result of my problems.

These constant reminders provided me with a rich supply of work to do, and I tackled it all with fervor, rarely pointing fingers back at them, defending myself only when they spoke blatant lies. Instead I did my best to examine what I could do differently to become a better person. Progress was slow, but thankfully steady.

After years of listening to all their accusations, I took many to heart, including the idea that my ego would rise out of control without “help” to keep me grounded. Their negativity and criticism was draining, but I was willing to keep coming back for more if I’d end up stronger.

I later realized it can’t be healthy for any of us, but my convictions on the matter weren’t firmed up until just the other day when I went over something Jesus said which describes me as a chronic murder victim, and my family as serial killers. That’s it… Game over.

Entry Filed under: The Black Hole

13 Comments

  • 1. Silentz  |  February 27th, 2007 at 4:58 pm

    I am sorry that you have a fucked up family that never realized that what they have done is wrong. I am thankful for how you turned out and all the ways you have been able to help me. You have lived through some terrible times and still turned out to be a great person, and for that I am thankful.

  • 2. soapbox.SUPERSTAR  |  February 27th, 2007 at 7:23 pm

    It’s not hard to see how wonderful you are!!! I admire how you only became a stronger person through it all. Look at all that you have accomplished!!! I mean seriously! ♥ You!!!

  • 3. Jordan  |  February 27th, 2007 at 8:29 pm

    You are a wonderful gift from God for all of us! You have always been loving, caring and accepting. We all know the radical blessing you are in our lives. I love and cherish you always!!!

  • 4. Jason Rohrblogger  |  February 28th, 2007 at 6:24 pm

    The Force is strong in this one…

  • 5. Plusultra  |  March 1st, 2007 at 1:37 pm

    I like your writing style

  • 6. The Bombshell  |  March 1st, 2007 at 3:36 pm

    Thanks for all the love, everyone. It’s your kindness, in stark contrast to the bulk of my past experience, which demonstrates that there must be a better way to live.

  • 7. MissMeliss  |  March 1st, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    It takes strength to be so candid.
    Clearly you’re a wonderful person.
    Sad that those closest to you couldn’t tell.

  • 8. Rev. Qelqoth  |  March 2nd, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    Your family are serial killers? Wow – mine too! 🙂

  • 9. David  |  March 2nd, 2007 at 8:58 pm

    You are OK. Don’t let anyone else steer your boat.

  • 10. Another David  |  March 3rd, 2007 at 6:17 pm

    There was a sentence I remember reading a long time ago by a gentlemen who wrote a book called “All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten” (Robert Fulgum) that went “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will break my heart.”

    I’m 30 years old now, and I can’t get over it. All I’ve ever dealt with, all the vicious things that have been said and done. All I can say is “Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.”

  • 11. Some Girl  |  March 3rd, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    You’re human. IT’S okay, and YOU’RE gonna be okay.

    Don’t worry, please. It’s a new beginning.

    Thinking of you!!

  • 12. John  |  March 21st, 2007 at 7:09 am

    Yes, it’s always been a downer, that “sticks and stones” saying… Even though their effects can be permanent and devastating, physical wounds tend to heal… Words, though, can germinate new thoughts and ideas… Grow into new insecurities… Thing is, if you’re smart, perceptive, sensitive and insightful enough to explore where these words take you, you’re smart, perceptive, sensitive and insightful enough to find better words… And build better sentences of your own.

  • 13. PBasso  |  April 9th, 2007 at 11:52 am

    Bombshell – I know you posted this a while ago but I just read it and was moved to respond. I wanted to share with you a verse that I continue to live by in my own life. It helps me deal with these types of situations whether on one side of the fence or the other:

    Matthew 7:5 (New International Version)

    5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

    What this means to me is that your mother and ex-hubby are hypocrites, for they have have many flaws that they chose not to work on but can only focus on picking out the issues in your life and bringing light on them.

    The reason your post hit home with me is that I tend to do that to my wife and your post reminded me to work on myself and let her deal with her own issues as she sees fit. She is a wonderful woman with tremendous qualities which I should be focused on instead. Our words hurt, and sometimes can inflict permanent damage. Thanks for reminding me of how sensitive others are…especially when the “others” are our most loved ones. God Bless you and may His words continue to work in your life and mine.



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