Atomic Bombshell


November 9th, 2007

When I wrote that previous entry I kind-of knew that whining about the divorce dragging on forever would be the “anti-jinx” to make sure the marriage that never should have happened would at least be over before its ten-year mark. And I was right, as this week it was declared finally, finally, final… Well, except for all the loose ends.

But hey, legally I’m now unmarried.

You’d think since I was the plaintiff in this case I’d be doing cartwheels right now. Especially after recently being contacted by the “new ex” (that he used for a year and a half after I left) and learning that he’s become even more intolerable. Perhaps that offered some validation. Or that I’d at least be excited about the future, knowing that I’m no longer a prisoner of that big bad decision I made in Las Vegas.

But no. Even after eight years of pain, even though my pastor at church would attest that I had biblical grounds, there’s still this great big part of me that knows that when I signed on for forever it meant for ever. And knowing that, I can’t help feeling like a total and complete failure.

I’m not sharing this because I need your sympathy or encouragement. In fact, being able to share these feelings is a small celebration of my liberation. I don’t have to pretend like I’m hunky-dory any more or stick to the approved topics. Introducing: More of the real me.

Entry Filed under: The Black Hole


  • 1. Friglet  |  November 9th, 2007 at 6:47 pm

    Congratulations! I know you relieved you must feel!

  • 2. Hilly  |  November 9th, 2007 at 7:12 pm

    I am so happy for you… and finding the little happinesses and victories even in the bad stuff is so great!

    I got your email earlier and will definitely be talking to you soon… Thanks for the offer. 🙂

  • 3. Jason Rohrblogger  |  November 9th, 2007 at 9:31 pm

    Welcome back. You were missed…

  • 4. Girl Power  |  November 10th, 2007 at 8:07 am

    Congrats AB!

  • 5. Joefish  |  November 10th, 2007 at 9:23 am

    More of the real you? Sweet. Quietly stalking you by RSS will soon be so much more satisfying. 🙂

  • 6. Chaz  |  November 10th, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    Not that it’s really the same thing and not that you said you wanted any sympathy, but I can sympathize with you a bit on this topic. After finally ending my first real relationship of 5 years not too long ago, I’m finally starting to get adjusted to being free from that relationship again. There’s still some baggage and loose ends left, but I can honestly say that I’m starting to feel more and more like it was the right thing to do. There just seemed like there was something unhealthy about it, and I think by finally admitting that everything wasn’t “A-OK” I’m starting to finally put that relationship in the past.

  • 7. Nanette  |  November 11th, 2007 at 4:04 pm

    I’m excited to learn more about the real you. 🙂

  • 8. MissPrissy  |  November 12th, 2007 at 8:57 am

    I’m happy for you, I know what a big relief this is for you.

  • 9. Andrew QH  |  November 12th, 2007 at 11:50 pm

    Love you, my friend.

  • 10. soapbox.SUPERSTAR  |  November 13th, 2007 at 7:25 am

    I am so glad this is over for you. I am also glad that I am not the last person in this world that took the vows to heart.

    You are in a MUCH better place right now and it shows!

  • 11. Jeff  |  November 13th, 2007 at 10:55 am

    Trudge on, dear maiden. This battle is over. Take a deep breath now. Rejuvenate yourself and prepare for greater things and the next battle in the war.

    One battle does not lose or win a war.

    Remember, that which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. Cliche as it may sound, it is undoubtedly the truth of our life in this world.

    When the war finally ends your CHARACTER that you built through your actions during your trials will be what is judged as success or failure.

  • 12. Salena  |  November 15th, 2007 at 7:32 pm

    Even after eight years of pain, even though my pastor at church would attest that I had biblical grounds, there’s still this great big part of me that knows that when I signed on for forever it meant for ever. And knowing that, I can’t help feeling like a total and complete failure.

    Even though I wasn’t the one who filed for my divorce and fought very hard to hang on, I felt very much the same way when I went through mine. I can totally relate. Looking back, I know that God wouldn’t want me to still be in that relationship. It just wasn’t healthy. Congratulations on your new official freedom! 🙂

    Salena’s last blog post – Still Nothing Going On Here

  • 13. Peggy  |  November 17th, 2007 at 1:05 am

    I am so happy that this part of your life is over. Congratulations.

  • 14. Lewis Moten  |  November 19th, 2007 at 2:07 am

    I hate the parts in life where you know you had grounds and everything, but you feel like you failed where others would have gone on. Perhaps that is where you are stronger, because you were able to go against the mold of what society has branded into your mind as what is right and wrong. Still, I hate it when I feel like a failure. I see your point of view pretty clearly.

    Life goes on. Now you can get back to knitting. 🙂

    Lewis Moten’s last blog post – Morpheous bugs

  • 15. TJ  |  November 21st, 2007 at 9:18 pm

    Congratulations! I get the mixed bag that you’re going through but when it’s right, you know it.

    Very looking forward to the “real” you though I think she’s been here all along 🙂

  • 16. Peggy  |  November 23rd, 2007 at 11:36 am

    Did you have a good Thanksgiving?

  • 17. Blotchyporridge  |  November 23rd, 2007 at 4:55 pm

    Hey there. We “met” a couple years back with Stumbling – which I haven’t used in almost as long – and even back then you mentioned your new distance from your married life. I haven’t visited StumbleUpon in ages and just today, thought I’d go through old memories and ended up here. Even though it has been a long time in coming and has likely left you with more exhaustion than you’d rather have, I hope you start seeing the days forming to be a bit brighter. Just remember, the only thing wrong with feeling like a failure is telling yourself that you are one – ’cause it ain’t the case. Find friends, find community, and stick to them, and you’ll find more reasons to face the next day than you thought. One day, you’ll look back at these times and think “Yeah, those were rough times.” Notice the “were”…

    May your days be bright. Welcome to chapter 2.

  • 18. Tasha  |  December 5th, 2007 at 8:59 am

    I know exactly how you felt. I knew my divorce had it’s justifications but when I said I do, I said it forever and whole-heartedly meant it. It passes though (and damn I’m happy as hell now lol)

    Tasha’s last blog post – Protected: say what?

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