For the past few days (as evidenced by the lack of substance in my posts) the only thing on my mind are some quandaries about my weight. I’ve been dancing around the issues currently plaguing me instead of telling you, and it’s about time I fess up and spill what’s really going on in my sad little heart.

I would hate to be guilty of robbing someone of a beautiful “I thought I was the only one who felt like this” moment. (I’m thinking of Lisa …Heart you, girlie!) So for whoever wants to listen, here it is… And it will entail some pathetic ranting. You’ve been warned.

Continue Reading 20 comments November 27th, 2005

The holidays are a lot more fun when you have a big family. What really makes it perfect is having a wide range of personalities from all the different age groups. Variety is key, and that means inviting even the obnoxious ones. That’s what really sets you up for some fun.

Our family used to be like that. Huge, unmanageable, and fantastic. But, since the eldest generation started passing on, everyone splintered off. Personally, I think it’s a crock of shit. We’d all still be together, were it not for the baby boomers a generation ahead. They’re stubborn, self-absorbed, and can’t seem to get along.

Believe me, I’ve tried. A few years ago I hosted Thanksgiving for seven in our tiny hovel. Managed to make it an opulent affair even… But underneath the show was nothing but misery. Despite my best efforts, nobody loosened up. My parents’ generation is more of a downer than the quaaludes they dropped in the sixties.

It’s a bummer, because I really enjoy the elaborate preparations and creating something memorable. A good holiday celebration makes people feel loved, or at least it should. This year there are two men in my life who need to be fed, my husband and my brother, and they’re worthy of my hard work… Hope they are blessed.

15 comments November 23rd, 2005

An open letter to jealous women:

You are the reason I would rather live the rest of my life without female friends. Every time I reach out, I get attacked by irrational harpies like you for no apparent reason. You remind me about everything I loathe in my gender and make me pity the desperate men who manage to put up with you.

First of all, what even gives you the right to be jealous of me? How dare you assume that I have something that couldn’t be yours! Everything you see here was built from nothing. I had no role models, nobody to help me become the woman I am today. What you covet in me is the result of my pain, struggles, and hard work – And I’m still under construction…

Continue Reading 25 comments November 19th, 2005

Some days just suck until the last minute. Thank you, Mr. Full Moon! Rushed around trying to get ready for the board meeting tomorrow after just being informed today that I’ll be conducting it, pretty much from start to finish, for the first time ever… Wish me luck!

Then, as if the day wasn’t already fubar, I had the extreme honor of being verbally assaulted by a deranged freakette, which took the wind right out of my sails when it comes to that whole wanting “friends of the female variety” idea.

God bless the gym for rescuing this day from total disaster. After a fantastic spinning session where I imagined all my problems as the asphalt, I emerged to see a familiar face standing at the check-in desk…

Remember when I told you a story about that guy from chemistry class? In a Twilight Zone moment, today I met up with Hassan McCullough, who still stands by his original assessment of my backside.

6 comments November 16th, 2005

As much as I adore Wonder Woman and I truly do… I just couldn’t do that to an innocent dog. There seems to be a variety of ways to torture your pets this Halloween season.

Costume Craze has a whole category of dog costumes. The ones that scare me the most are the harem girls, pimp dogs, and uhh… YODA!

While the images in their catalog are good for a quick laugh, shouldn’t this be considered cruelty to animals!?

19 comments October 10th, 2005

I’m mulling over the idea of starting my own private rebellion against the dress code at work. Under normal circumstances, this would be the farthest thought from my mind, because I’ve always enjoyed dressing up. However, there’s this silly rule about nylons that’s chapping my hide.

The last thing I’m trying to say is that I have something against hoisery. I do enjoy wearing stockings when they serve to enhance an outfit. I’ve even blogged about my deep appreciation for Wolford products. Maybe what’s really bothering me is that I am forced to wear them to work every blessed day, including “Casual Friday.”

It doesn’t help matters that on every “What’s Out” list it says nude stockings (not that I was ever a big fan of them in the first place) but it’s also a bit unrealistic trying to run around and find something artful and unique to match each and every ensemble… And heaven knows you can’t have just one pair — You need back-up!

So I’m contemplating civil disobedience. Something on the order of, “They’ll wish they never made this rule!” It started last week with teal fishnets. They were the perfect accent piece that day, and although I stealthed them under trousers, I still got the eyebrow from the old maids who uphold this silly rule. Maybe the plan will work.

Of course, the the hard part will be finding stockings that annoy without getting me sent home. I haven’t decided if it’s a battle worth fighting, but I’ve had it with these unfashionable, insufferable sausage casings. Unfortunately, I fear no matter which way you slice it, I’m hosed.

27 comments September 12th, 2005

Now that everything fell apart I feel it’s safe to share that we were planning a luxurious five-day vacation this week. However, my practical sensibilities got the best of our magnificent plans for relaxation.

My impression that getaways are for people with no bills and tons of disposable cash may explain why after nearly eight years together, this would have been our first real vacation… I am totally retarded.

7 comments August 23rd, 2005

I declare jihad on the hairstyle known as the “Fauxhawk” – Not to be confused with its badass cousin, the Mohawk… The faux is a pathetic attempt to be edgy while still holding down an office job.

The first time I saw one I thought it was interesting… For five minutes. But now I’m seeing them everywhere, on a wide range of men from age 15 to 50 – The fauxhawk has become the 21st century mullet!

Death to the fauxhawk. Either go all the way by shaving the sides and dying the remainder blue, or just accept the fact that your life doesn’t have room for interesting hair and move on. Thanks for listening.

27 comments July 23rd, 2005