In all honesty, I do not know how guys carry that thing around all day. Girls have a whole heck of a lot of crap to put up with, but I must say… When it comes to genitals, forgive me for the saying, I think men got the short end of the stick.

Closest comparison we’ve got are breasts, and we’re smart enough to strap the puppies in. Guys live to let their cash-and-prizes swing free! There’s all kinds of adjustment going on. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about the proper positioning of my goods all the time.

I’d never make it as a dude… I couldn’t hang.

9 comments March 10th, 2005

So I made the second payment on my newish vehicle and thought to myself… “It’s a bit odd that I haven’t received my license plates yet.”

Is it possible someone stole them? As inefficient as I believe government agencies to be, there’s no way it could take this long. Weeks maybe, but months? This means I have to contact the Department of Motor Vehicles… Crap!

8 comments February 25th, 2005

Wasted an entire weekend thanks to those evil little rocks! I’ll need the President’s Day holiday just to recover from searching for the perfect wedding ring. Yes, I said wedding ring, and yes, I realize that I’ve been married for a thousand years. Please allow me to explain…

Short Version: I am one picky lady.

Marilyn Monroe lied to us when she sang “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” - I’ve just been to the most prestigious jewelers on the planet and I didn’t find a damn thing that I really felt was made for me.

Harry Winston, Cartier, Bulgari, Tiffany, David Orgell, Buccellati, David Webb, Van Cleef & Arpels… You name it and I was there this weekend. Didn’t even let pouring rain deter us from hitting Rodeo Drive, because this past Valentine’s Day my husband declared that I may no longer walk about with a naked ring finger.

There’s the girly part of me that thinks, “Yay! Big sparkly shiny things!” but then there’s the 51% majority that’s just too practical and thinks, “How about a kick-ass flat panel home theater system with a DVD recorder and surround sound instead?” Mr. Aurorealis isn’t having it… We’re getting a ring. End of story.

So what does this mean? It means we’re spending every weekend for the rest of our lives searching for the ring. We’ve already spent two of them shopping with no luck. I’m exhausted by the whole idea of continuing, and the longer it takes the more picky I become.

Now I’m screwed. We visited all the awesome jewelers and I walked away empty-handed and unimpressed. What’s with all the boring and uninspired jewelry out there? Is it really too much to ask for an interesting diamond eternity band? It would seem so.

I’m probably just being a relentless bitch, but I don’t want something on my hand all day every day for the rest of my life that doesn’t make me smile every single time I look down at it, and with all the time I spend typing away… That’s a lot of life.

Wish me luck! I’ll keep you posted.

17 comments February 20th, 2005

Today is the day of aftermath… Valentine’s Day is for sharing all that love with your beloved - but the day after is for reflecting upon the people that you thankfully did not end up with, so that you may appreciate your loved-ones ever more.

My past is not littered with an endless stream of freaks and geeks, it’s more like a short winding creek. But even in those brief years of single life I manged to attract my share of stalkers, losers, and creeps.

Here’s to those few who even years later make me shiver in horror…

To the guy who never wore long pants: I hope you stayed out of the gene pool even though you were always dressed for a swim. Every time I hear the song “Spiderwebs” by No Doubt, I think of how you thought calling repeatedly would somehow up your odds of landing me… Like it was some kind of dating lottery.

To the incontinent rocker: It might be wise to share information about the full extent of your hidden ailments before popping the question instead of right before the invitations go out. It’s possible to love someone despite those issues, but only if that was the only thing you weren’t upfront about. Hope you learned from the experience.

To the mafia kingpin’s youngest son: We were friends I tell you. Thanks for going on a hunger strike and having your mom call to beg me to take you seriously. Somehow that turned into two years of my life that I will never get back. And thanks for still hunting me down every now and again, it makes me feel so special.

9 comments February 15th, 2005

My hairdresser is the most loveable Nazi you’ll ever meet. She’s been cutting my hair for over ten years and were it not for her calculating precision, I may have switched long ago - Because every time I ask for anything even remotely resembling bangs she refuses.

It’s her way or the autobahn, baby!

Every girl has her “best” feature. For me it might be my mane. Some girls would kill for this hair: but it doesn’t matter how healthy your hair is, with a bad cut it will look like crap.

You could easily end up bald trying to find a good hairdresser. So many are butchers - 40% are narcissists who don’t want you to look good, and 50% couldn’t make it through school for any other vocation.

At the tender age of sixteen my only thought wasn’t driving my first car, but rather training for my first job. Because with that first real paycheck I got my first haircut in over ten years! After a Supercuts debacle, mom had banished me to the land of long-ass Crystal Gayle boring hair.

My first mistake was going to these guys back in the days when they did hair for Van Halen and all their rocker buddies… Which wasn’t this little preppie’s style. So then I started in with high-priced salons until I finally gave up and hit the dreaded mall chop shop.

VOILA! I found my little Vidal-Sassoon Nazi and have been with her - bangless - ever since. I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning and I’m gonna hit her up for some long sideswept bang-like things… and watch me come out with nothing but long layers.

At least there’s something to be said for predictability… I think?

9 comments January 21st, 2005

Take a truly stupid product: Coke with half a billion carbs instead of the usual billion, then spin a brilliant marketing campaign around a hot rock ‘n’ roll song and a therapeutic scene that any office worker can identify with - And what you end up with is something that really pissed me off.

Okay, so I’m a closet Queen fan… And when I heard the opening of “I Want to Break Free” in the theatre as the C2 commercial began, not only did I recognize it immediately, but I couldn’t help softly singing along in what was to be a rudely interrupted moment of bliss.

Everything was just fine until the line “….God knows…” at which point Coca-Cola put on their politically correct hats and dropped the lyric in an inappropriate bullshit fashion that nearly made me growl out loud at their pathetic pussification.

Let me get this straight: Coke finds it best to drop a meaningless reference to God - while thinking nothing of perverting the creative genius of a gay man we lost to the effects of the AIDS virus.

Bleh… I should have resolved to give up soda at New Year’s.

10 comments January 17th, 2005

I’ve had this Ignition Dance Pad for Dance Dance Revolution for less than a month and already the Up and Left buttons are starting to fail! The fun is over until I can secure a replacement.

Guess it’s back to the gym for this girl… Phooey!

The thing costs around a hundred bucks and yet moderate use over a three week period tips it over the edge of death? It’s disgusting how things are so poorly made these days. I’m starting to think they’re designing them to fail within a certain period of time.

I’m not just talking about electronics either. Maybe it’s an LA thing, but it’s getting more and more uncommon to see any old-ass cars driving around. Makes me feel like a geezer to say it, but I don’t believe we make anything that’s built to last any more.

Oh well, this morning my prayers were answered when the sun decided to shine upon this fair city… I should get my butt outside and enjoy it!

4 comments January 11th, 2005

I’ve had it with this rain! Los Angeles should give God a quick call and remind Him that it’s “not in our contract” to endure this deluge. I keep looking for signs of hope that the relentless downpour will end - Perhaps a rainbow or a dove holding an olive branch.

Okay, so I’m prone to histrionics… But it makes for an interesting read! In all seriousness, I’ve never seen anything like it in sunny SoCal - Pouring like crazy without a break for days on end!

This flood really exposes how spoiled we are. For instance, I don’t even own an appropriate pair of shoes for wet weather. Not a single pair of galoshes, and even my boots are too fancy to brave these monster puddles. Maybe the Manolo he can help.

What does a resourceful California girl do? Toss on my favorite platform sandals and rationalize that my feet will dry faster than any shoe would, and trudge through the water with my pretty pedicure showing.

And what about a raincoat, you ask? Silly goose, this is Los Angeles! Hahahaha… cough. I do own an umbrella though! It’s adorable, too… But it has never seen this kind of action.

I’m starting to understand more about Seasonal Affective Disorder because this gloomy weather is making me SAD… I miss sunshine.   Until it shows up I’ll be taking reservations on a two-by-two basis for upcoming ark rides.

15 comments January 10th, 2005

Today my brother and I had lunch at an obscure little deli on the other side of town and my new stalker showed up. We smiled uncomfortably as she said, “I had a feeling you two would be here” and then we packed up our food and left.

P s y c h i c - o r - P s y c h o ?

It’s bad enough that the office is half-filled with freaks that crawled out from under rocks, but when you add a stalker to the mix this place gets damn near unbearable. This witch is determined to turn my first week back from vacation into a giant soap opera…

I still remember my very first day on the job. As our secretary, stalkerette was assigned the task of showing me around. All fine and dandy except for one introduction that particularly creeped me out.

Later I learned that it was the guy she’s screwing and that he applied for the position I was hired into. Even though I didn’t know the details at the time, I could tell exactly what was going on from the sassy way she introduced me.

I went home that first day knowing she was going to make my life a living hell if I couldn’t somehow butter her up - which I’m not very good at. Nevertheless, I worked what little charm I have and she soon came to like me.

Overlooking her creepy, needy, obsessive brand of friendship for more than two years, I made the best of it and kept her happy. But since my workload got out of control and my brother came to work here I simply haven’t had the energy to keep it up.

Lately I’ve just been minding my own business, working in my office with the door closed and soon I wasn’t saying any more than hello to her on a regular basis. Each day she would barge in and tell me how pretty I am or how much she misses me.

Well apparently her low self-esteem can’t take it any more, because she seems to be staging a revolt. All it took to trigger armageddon was a mild business-related disagreement where I didn’t acquiesce, and take a look at the ensuing desperation:

• She lied to her boss in an attempt to get me in trouble… twice, which only made her look bad.

• She came into my office to confront me and ask why I was mad at her… I’m not mad - YET.

• She took it upon herself to handle one of my vendor meetings because I didn’t respond within two minutes of his arrival.

• She told a mutual friend that I’m mad at her and sent him in as a spy to gather information… Didn’t work.

• Caught her downstairs gossiping about me to a superior… She had to hush him up as I approached.

• She’s been taking out her wrath on my brother by manufacturing and delegating bullshit dirtywork for him.

• Earlier today she stopped by my office to tell me how much she “Misses her friend” …Hope she didn’t mean me.

And it’s only Wednesday! The stalking incident was a direct result of her eavesdropping on a brief conversation that I had with my brother this morning. Somebody shoot me… Or maybe that’s next on her list.

12 comments January 5th, 2005

I suppose it’s because my boss manufactured a last-minute project, due by the end of the calendar year if I am to qualify for any incentive pay.

Actually, to be accurate it would sound more like this:

For the third year in a row I will provide absolutely no excuse to rob me of any of my well-earned bonus, and yet I’ll undoubtedly sit back and watch as I am screwed over again… YAY!

5 comments December 28th, 2004