For over a decade I wore a white gold ring on the thumb of my right hand. A few weeks ago I tossed it into a fountain. Disposing of that band was very meaningful to me. Putting it on all those years ago was more about style, but as I wore it each day it strangely came to symbolize things to me about my life and its purpose. The day I finally got rid of it I realized that I no longer fully believe those things… Maybe some day I’ll tell you what the ring meant to me, but for just now I’ll be tucking that away in my heart.

2 comments July 9th, 2006

Many areas of my life are in need of greater illumination, and so a common frustration for me is accepting that I can only be where I’m at… I’ll be searching for answers about one thing only to be provided with other insights into things that appear to be completely unrelated.

We can’t force personal progress or even determine its direction. Instead, we find ourselves passing out of the darkness only by actively searching for areas where a fresh light is shining. Life has taught me to seek growth wherever it can be found, not just in the places I’d like to see it most.

3 comments June 13th, 2006

This Week: Ten Ways I Like to Relax

Here’s a timely subject. I’ve been through the wringer these last few months! Spending a little time on this exercise to figure out what makes me feel relaxed is probably a wise notion… Here goes!

10. Swimming – For me, there are few more relaxing experiences than floating around in the clear blue wetness. I love that weightless feeling you get when you’re underwater.

9. Cleaning – Don’t think I’m some kind of neat-freak, because I can be a mess at times, but I do find that when my body and environment are freshly cleansed and tidy I just feel a lot better… More like myself.

8. Touring – I detest driving. What I like is to be driven around by someone. We don’t need a specific destination. I just like to listen to music and look out the window to see new people and places.

7. Geekery – You know what I’m talking about… As frustrating as stretching our nerdy brains can be, there’s a certain zen in playing with code or learning something new about a technology that you enjoy.

6. Listening – I like a good story. Before my grandparents’ generation started passing away I enjoyed them often. Time-travelling with others broadens my perspective and furthers my understanding.

5. Solitude – As much as I adore people, sometimes I need time alone. In reflection, I find that the times I have spent in quiet thought always paid dividends far beyond the initial investment I had made.

4. Cycling – From the early days on my trike, to the BMX grandpa won for me, to mountain biking in college, to my beloved spinning classes, to these recent moments on a road bike… It’s always fun and freeing.

3. Playtime – Kids have this down to a science. They have an amazing capacity for fun! I find that by interacting with children I can reconnect with the simple things and my grown-up concerns melt away.

2. Helping – Often the most relaxing thing I can do is help others. Taking the focus off of myself and doing nice things for someone else makes me feel calm and happy… Plus, it’s a win-win situation.

1. Being Held – When it comes right down to it, I haven’t changed much since the day I was born. Still, the most comforting thing imaginable is to be held tenderly by someone who loves me through and through.

8 comments June 6th, 2006

Today I moved out and filed for divorce. Out of respect to the other person involved I will not delve into details. However, I greatly look forward to sharing things about myself now without worries of causing friction at home. It’s already a year of big challenges… and to think it isn’t yet half over!

Welcome to the first day of the rest of my life…

41 comments May 15th, 2006

Ever wonder how much of a control freak you really are? I have developed a new formula for finding out: Count how much time it takes between receiving essential information you’ve been waiting for and when you come down with a mysterious stress-related illness.

In my case, I collapsed in under 24 hours… Coincidence? I think not.

As hard as I try to pretend that I’m strong, my true weakness always finds a way out, and usually through my physical condition. Everybody has a weak spot, and that’s been mine. Asthma, allergies, you name it… It’s all just pain pushing its way to the surface.

When it comes to the course of my life, I am so committed to nailing down every detail. I believe far too much in the power of self-disicpline. I strive too hard to fill in the blanks. I hate waiting, and I hate leaving anything to chance… I find it almost entirely impossible to just be.

6 comments February 4th, 2006

Personal change can be a slow process …Except when it’s not. When you can actually tell that you’re changing, that’s when you know something kicked into overdrive… That’s where I’m at lately.

In trying to figure out the exact ways I’m evolving, I’ve narrowed it down a little. Basically, I’m done giving of myself to those who bleed me dry. You know what I mean — I’m sure you have a few, too.

What we accept, we deserve… And I might finally be finished accepting.

Furthermore, I’m starting to speak up more often when I don’t like the way I’m being treated. This is a dangerous one that usually ends up getting me into a lot of trouble… But, oh well. On the flipside, I’m also starting to more expressively treasure friends and family who stick by me through the worst times, and do what they can to help.

8 comments February 2nd, 2006

Life sure is a kick in the pants, ain’t it?

Today, the woman who for all my formative years made misery and suffering seem like a part of normal, everyday life, admonished me about my penchant for enduring unnecessary pain. The person who took a giant dump on all of my dreams also found fit to tell me that I have a responsibility to achieve all the desires of my heart.

Yes, and this very same lunatic, who did little else than berate me every single day for at least eighty five thousand, four hundred and ten days of my life, also told me that she believes I am a vibrant, loving person, who has a whole lot to offer the world… And that I should get on it!

You know what else? She looked good doing it, too.

14 comments January 16th, 2006

My blog has been boring as hell lately, and don’t you think I haven’t noticed! Haven’t even found sufficient words to comment on your blogs lately, and for that I am truly sorry. I will force myself out of this silent funk, I promise.

The excuse: My brain is a big jumble of thoughts that I haven’t been able to sort through… Kind of like a ball of yarn the cat attacked, and now I’m supposed to crochet an afghan.

Did that make sense? No… And there you have it! Usually the hormonal nightmare that happens this time of month produces some of my best writing, but not this time… I’m somewhere else, alone and quiet.

In any case, I’m going to get back on the ball and untangle some thoughts. Maybe some yicky stuff that I’d normally rather keep private. Because if I don’t, chances are I’m gonna go crazy… Stand by.

15 comments January 13th, 2006